What Do Daughters Need?
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- in Family
I especially would like to hear from girls/women. What do daughters need from a dad? What do daughters need from a mom? (Tomorrow, I will ask similar questions about sons.)
Some of you are daughters of at least one very good parent. Perhaps some of you have two very good parents. Unfortunately, some of you may have memories that are dominated by pain and anguish. Maybe you have learned from the examples of others and so you are building a much different family than the one you grew up in.
So if you are a daughter, what do you need from a dad? What do you need from a mom?
To be loved just because I am your daughter.To know I am loved because I am your daughter.To know that your love is not based on what I do, just who I am. (Okay, so my Dad just passed away January 7th and it sure brought some things to the surface! The answer: No, I did not feel these things listed above.)
I am blessed to have a wonderful dad. He has always taken time out to spend with me. When I was younger, one of my favorite things was we always went shopping on Christmas Eve, even if there was not really any gift that we still needed to get. Now with mom gone, we talk even more. He has always been there to listen and give advice. He has always been very generous with his time and money. I always felt loved and important. I see him doing the same even with my own children.
My mom was very much the same. She spent time with me, she was always at my school events. She made sure that I always had what I needed. Many times she would go shopping for herself and would end up getting things for me, or for my children. She was a generous woman and caring. I always new that she and dad loved me. They not only told me, but the showed it in their actions.
One of the big things parents can give their children is assurance of their love–when the child is feeling rejected by peers, or uncertain of herself, or has done something wrong.Once my high school philosophy club discussed the question "should parents love their children unconditionally?"I argued that the answer was "yes" and was surprised that the majority of people argued "no."My best friend’s mom drove us to her house after school, and on our way home, I commented about my surprise. "I love my kids, but I wouldn’t say I love them unconditionally," came the mom’s response.Fear rose within me. I was a fairly good student. I was involved in many extracurricular activities. I did chores. I didn’t even date.But the idea that I could mess things up and not be loved anymore made me sick to my stomach. When we reached my friend’s house, I turned to her. "Can I use your phone?" I asked.I was glad to hear Mom’s voice on the other end. "So…I have a stupid question for you. Do you love me UNCONDITIONALLY?""Sure.""Really?""Of course." Relief swept over me.Through the years I’ve checked again. "If I surprise you with a baby?" "Yes." "If I murder someone." "Yes."Mom and I have been through our share of pain together, I think. But knowing we’re not giving up on each other has meant so much to me.I’m surprised by how many parents today don’t jump into parenting with both feet, acting as if they can divorce their kids if the going gets rough.I think assuring our daughters that we love them–no matter what–is a huge step in giving them the confidence and assurance they need.
I needed a dad who would tell me that he loved me, wanted me, and that I was special. I needed a dad who made me feel secure and protected. I needed a dad who encouraged and advised. I needed a dad who listened and comforted. I needed a dad who would tell me that he was proud of my accomplishments. I needed a dad who was involved. I needed a dad who would be a model of how a man should treat a woman. Unfortunately, that dad wasn’t mine.
Hi Karen,I am sorry to learn of your Dad’s death. I am also sorry to hear that you did not experience the kind of things you listed.I do think that what you listed is important and will be a blessing to dad’s who read this who are thinking about their own relationship with their daughters.
Jackie,What a wonderful tribute to your mom and dad. I have heard you speak of them often in the years that I have known you and I know you love them.I especially like this line in your comments:I always felt loved and important.What a wonderful thing for a child to be able to say about a parent.
The Walk,Your mom sounds like a wonderful person.I appreciate the stories about your school years, the conversation with your friend’s mom, and then the words of your own mom.I don’t think I can relate to not loving my children unconditionally. First, I believe that unconditional love in a parent reflects the kind of love that God has for his people. Second, I need–really need–unconditional love from my wife/children. Thanks for your comment. I hope you will write again.
A daughter,I read through you wonderful and insightful list about what a daughter needs from a dad. Then, I read your last sentence. I am sorry you did not have this kind of dad. I wish you had.I do want to thank you for writing this. You have blessed many dads who will read this. You will cause some of us to think. You will also bless some daughters who did not have this kind of dad either.Thank you. I hope you will write again.
From Daddy, a daughter needs to know that she is beautiful. From Momma, she needs to know that she has what it takes to be a woman.-Brittany
Brittany,Very good. Thanks so much for this observation. What you have said is important.
I am just now catching up with your blog!
I am still amazed at how blessed I was to be given my two parents. The best thing they ever did to me was introduce me to Christ, and be great examples of a wife, husband, Christian, and friend.
My Dad always had such high expectations of me. When I met these expectations, he acted like he knew I could do it all along. When I didn’t meet them, he put his arm around me and told me he loved me. He was always around. Dad loved, and still loves laughing with me. He was always there to talk to. Dad was my biggest defender. Dad was an incredible listener. When I was having trouble with boys or friends, I wanted to talk to him. He gave (gives) great advise.
Mom, like Dad, is always around when I need her. She was, and still is, the greatest example of a servant heart. She was always mature. Many of my friends’ mothers would try to act like teenagers. This, many times, would embarass my friends. Mom is just very real. She loves to laugh and nothing is more fun than making Mom laugh!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Elizabeth. Your comments brought a smile to my face and were a blessing for me to read.
[…] I strongly encourage you to read the comments to that post. You can that post and comments here. Today, I want to ask boys/men who read this blog this question: "What does a son need […]
Elizabeth,What a wonderful comment. Thanks for allowing us to see a closeup of the home you grew up in.
[…] On the needs of sons and daughters. […]
my mom is always over protected! my mom will not let me have a boyfriend because i broke up with this boy! wow! but i got one anyway, my mom never let me go over my friends house and i cant have my phone back and i love beign her daughter but she is to way over protected! i can’t live with my dad yet. im 13 im a teenager! i need to go through my life but how am i going to do it if i cant do anything?
all i need from my mom is the unconditional love and care. Unfortunately, she made me feel abandoned, specially when i needed her most. in my younger years i was sexually abused by my mom’s boyfriend. and she never believed in me. since then i was felt alone and always competing for my mom’s love and attention. i even tried to commit suicide and it was nothing to her. i am an MS patient and wishes to have good health always for my kids and though i am still struggling with that traumatic experience i am trying to be a good mom to my 2 kids. God is so good to me because I have a loving husband now and a 2 beautiful kids.