A friend of mine wrote me a rather sad note.  He said that some seem to think that he is "over the hill," "out of touch," and "past his time."  He feels as if he is no longer valued.  This man has white hair and is in his early seventies.  What is ironic about this is that this man has continued to grow, develop, and change.  He has much to offer.  He has held leadership roles in a number of different sectors including the university and business. 

 
This isn’t the first conversation that I have had with someone who feels this way.  In fact, there have been many.  What is happening here?  Could it be that a number of us have forgotten that some of these people may in fact be treasures?  Could it be that we might gain much through a mentoring relationship with such a man?

 
A number of years ago, a friend of mine was about sixty-one years old and suffering from poor health.  He had been a church leader and outstanding preacher for many years.  For several years, he had been suffering from poor health.  Cancer.  Heart disease.  Parkinson’s.   The medication, the diseases, and a few other factors contributed to my friend’s loss of confidence. 

 
On one occasion he was invited to participate in a forum to discuss a mission opportunity.  He was hesitant to go.  In fact, he was very hesitant because his confidence had really been shaken.  I sensed that he felt weak physically and that impacted the way he felt emotionally.  However, he decided to go.  He flew to a large city where the small group of people met in the meeting room of an airport hotel. 

 
At one point, my friend decided to make a comment.  He did so with some hesitation.  No sooner did he make his comment than another man quickly dismissed it as irrelevant.

 
Almost immediately, after this man spoke, a man in the group who was the former president of a large Christian college asked for the attention of everyone in the room.  He began to speak and pointed to my friend.  He said regarding my friend’s comment, "He is exactly right and has pointed out some very important concerns."  

 
Later in the day, the forum dismissed and the participants all went home.  My friend went away encouraged by this man who would stand with him and affirm what he had said.

 
Do you know of a person in who is a forgotten treasure?   What do we lose when we disregard such people?

There is much I have learned and continue to learn after being married for thirty years.  (You can read part 1 here, part 2 here, part 3 here, and part 4 here.)  I really do mean continue to learn. 

 
After all, while there is much about marriage that is the same after so many years, there is also so much that is different.  For instance, I have never been married to a person my wife’s age before.  (I didn’t mention her age.)  Nor has she ever been married to a person my age.   We no longer have children at home.  That makes a difference as well.  While there is much sameness after this many years, there are also many changes as well.

 
A few things I’ve learned about marriage:

 
1.  Forgiveness is critical.  After all, two imperfect human beings are attempting to share life together.  I can look back and recall so much that I wish I could do over.  At times, my behavior reflected self-centeredness, insensitivity, and immaturity.  Being married has reminded me of how desperately I need not only my spouse’s forgiveness but God’s forgiveness. 

 
2.  There is much to be said for just simply learning to pay attention to one’s spouse.  Isn’t that true of so much of life?  For example, I have found that there is much to be enjoyed by just paying attention to the birds as they eat from our feeders in the morning.  I can see them just outside our kitchen window.  

 
Simply paying attention to Charlotte goes a long way.  Perhaps this is so obvious that you are almost yawning at this point.  Sorry, but it took me a long time to really understand the significance of this.  Why is this challenging for so many of us?  Because many other things clamor for our attention.  Yet, I have found this to be important and so very satisfying — to her and to me as well.

 
3.  We can never supply for one another that which only God can provide.  Far too often, two empty people will put tremendous pressure on one another to give something they just don’t have to give.  A couple may put tremendous pressure on their marriage and on one another by demanding that the other make him or her "happy."  So often the unhappiness or lack of joy goes much deeper than an unfulfilling marriage.  I believe there is a wholeness that only God can supply and no other human being ever can.  Understanding this can take pressure off a marriage and free both people up to love, forgive, and enjoy one another. 

 
I would enjoy hearing what you have learned either in your own marriage or from observing others.

I’ve been thinking this morning about expectations :
 

• I suppose some of this comes out of a week of watching the Olympics in Beijing.  One athlete wins a bronze medal and is ecstatic!  Another wins a bronze and tosses it away.  So much of these reactions have to do with expectations. 
  

• Saturday evening, I watched Rick Warren interview both Barack Obama and John McCain.  I wasn’t sure what to expect.  Rick Warren went beyond my expectations for the evening.

• I was in conversation with a man not long ago.  I noticed that most of his comments were laced with cynicism.  It occurred to me later just how low his expectations were of people and even life itself.

• The other day, I received a nice note from a guy I recently met.  I had no idea that he would take the time to write such a note.  It was very nice.  This went far beyond my expectations.

I’ve noticed this.  Some people have very low expectations of most everything.  They don’t expect much from life, themselves or God.  They have a way of putting a twist on most anyone’s comment so that the negative is emphasized.

 
It is Monday morning.  What do I expect from the day or the week?

 
1.  Expect to see beauty.  Your expectations matter.  Some people wake up in the morning and they see everything that is negative on their way to work.  Others notice that flowers are blooming, birds are chirping, and the sunrise is beautiful.  For a number of years, I missed this!  In recent years, I have tried to be more conscious of the beauty that is all around me.  

 
2.  Expect to do something positive today that will enrich someone else’s life.  Maybe you don’t have the most exciting job.  Perhaps you are troubled by what is going on at work.  Yet, I have found that in the middle of a mess, God can use me to brighten someone’s day in a small way.  

 
3.  Expect to speak in ways that bring hope and joy to someone else.  So many people speak in ways that are draining and disheartening.  They look for the negative and go on and on about it.  They are cynical of other people.  They have a way of questioning someone’s motives, good works, etc.    

 
4.  Expect to brighten someone’s day by being gracious.   Do you know just how important this is?   Someone’s world can be made a little brighter by hearing another say "Thank you" or "Good job."  I have really tried to be conscious of this.  I have found that so many people rarely hear this and appear to be amazed when they hear these words.  (By the way, it is important that people who serve and use their gifts in various churches hear this as well.  A person who has been teaching 5 year olds for years and years might appreciate a "thank you.")

 
5.  Expect God to be at work.  Far too often my own expectations of God have been far too low and my expectations of people have been far too low.  Not good.  Does this mean that I understand what God is up to at any given moment?  No.  I don’t have to reduce God to the level of my understanding and comprehension.  At the same time, I believe that the God of the Bible is a God who is active.

 
What about your own expectations?  What expectations have become a part of your thinking? 

This morning I was reading a book on Ecclesiastes entitled A Table in the Mist, by Jeffrey Meyers.  I came across this paragraph:

 

"Modern Christmas seasons provide us with little more than sentimental, syrupy niceness and nice thoughts about a mistily-glowing baby Jesus.  All we are left with is the commoditization of vague religious sentimentalism.  There is no spiritual power in this.   What’s worse, because of this the Christian faith seems, to many in our culture, little more than an attempt to stir up comforting religious feelings to mask one’s real troubles in the world.  But this is so far removed from the Bible and genuine Christianity that it has to be considered another religion, one that plays make-believe with the dirty realities of this life."  (p. vii) 

I like the way Meyers expresses this.  I do think that at times we want to somehow mask our real troubles in the world and sometimes do that through stirring up just the right mix of religious feelings.  Unfortunately, far too often religious people have played "…make-believe with the dirty realities of this life."

 
Earlier, I was thinking about some of the conversations and interactions I have had with people this week.  These remind me of some of the "dirty realities of this life."
 

• I did two funerals this week.  Two different families.  Two different life situations.  Talking with families after a death, I am often reminded of the complexity of life.
• I spoke with several people this week about family issues.  Good people trying to be a family to spouses, parents, in-laws, and their children.
• The wife of a good friend of mine is in ICU after a stroke this week.  She is 48 years old.  He waits and waits in the ICU waiting room.
• A young man and his wife are at M. D. Anderson where he battles cancer.  He is in his early twenties.  They have a new baby.

These are just a few of the "dirty realities of this life."  I do not believe that faith means that we are dismissive about these realities or that we quickly trot out a one-liner that in some way is supposed to fix or take care of these situations.  If anything, these kinds of behaviors on the part of Christian people, and in particular Christian leaders, have a way of shutting down any future honest conversation.

 
Far better to love people through all these difficulties, confusing moments, and even suffering.  There is a time for conversation.  Often, people in our lives just want to talk through these situations with someone they trust.  Yes, sometimes, people want help as they grapple with what to say and do.  There is also a time, however, to be silent and to simply be present with people.

 
I pray for the wisdom to know whether speaking or silence is the best kind of presence at any given moment.

 

I  would really like to hear from you on this one.  I would like to put together a list of what actually helps some of us keep up with whatever might be going on in our culture.  What helps you understand the people around you?
 

• You might believe a certain film ought to be on that list.
• Perhaps there is a particular book that you believe to be essential reading right now.
• Perhaps there is a certain television program or magazine that helps you keep up with pop culture. 
• Maybe you are thinking about an academic book or perhaps a popular book.
• You might believe that certain websites are essential for keeping up with this culture.
• Maybe you are engaged in certain conversations that you find very helpful.  Perhaps you meet once a month with a group of people who are of a different age than you, or gender, or ethnic group.

 
Anyway,  I would appreciate hearing from you on this one.