Are you married? Would you like to be married one day? The following is Part 2 of this series. (You can find Part 1 here.)
11. Many women have a low perception of their body image. Television, movies, magazines all portray a certain type of female body to be desired. These women are tan, well endowed, and young. Meanwhile, many women often see such portrayals and perceive themselves as not measuring up. They see these images and conclude that their own body is inadequate.
12. Wonderful, satisfying sex in marriage is not based on performance.Rather, such a sexual relationship is an outgrowth of an intimate relationship with one another. Far too many married couples put tremendous pressure on one another because of the performance view of sex. Pornography feeds such a view. Beware! When a person is using pornography, he will often see sex as something he “takes” in marriage instead of self-sacrificial intimacy.
13. Many married couples have no idea how to handle their discretionary spending. Consequently, if the kids want something at the store and the parents know the money is in the bank, the kids get it. Meanwhile, the amount of credit card debt being accumulated by some couples is astounding. Many couples really have no idea how much they are actually spending each month.
Several years ago, I posted a list of things I have learned about marriage from my own experience and observation. The following is an updated and edited list. Perhaps one or more of these will be helpful.
The following is Part 1 of a list of 41 things married people ought to know:
1. Married people are called to move away from self-centeredness and toward selflessness. Self–centeredness creates a person in the marriage who “takes”. Such a person focuses on what he or she is getting out of the marriage instead of loving one another sacrificially.
2. A couple can’t follow Jesus and at the same time settle for a status quo marriage. Jesus challenges both husband and wife to pursue something larger than oneself. They are called to something greater than their individual happiness. Sometimes, a wife or husband will desire to pursue a larger kingdom vision for marriage while the other person chooses to dig in his heels and remain stagnant.
3. Married people can become very lazy in their relationship with one another. As a result, the husband and wife may no longer cherish one another. Tenderness slips away. Sarcasm and cynicism may overtake their relationship.
That afternoon, we drove away from their house. We had been in a difficult conversation. We met with a woman whom we both liked and admired but found difficult. She seemed self-assured and almost smug. I told my wife that it seemed as if she perceived herself to be an expert on most subjects.
Yet, Charlotte had a different take on this woman. “She is actually quite fearful.”
Upon reflection, I think she is correct.
How do you spot a fearful person? Is this a person who is cowering in the corner with fear? Not necessarily. This may be a 30 year old man who, like an insecure boy, is doing his best to appear cool. Actually, one may be speaking with a fearful person and yet not really be aware of this person’s fearfulness. This person may actually be dominated by fear. Children are often more obvious in the way they express their fear. They typically fight or flee when they are afraid. Adults respond in much the same way, only we try to mask our fear.
The Supremes — Much discussion regarding the Supreme Court decision last week regarding same-sex marriage. I found several posts helpful. See these two posts by John Mark Hicks. This one was posted Saturday and this posted Sunday. You might also look at this post by Harding School of Theology professor, Carlus Gupton. Also from First Things see “After Obergefell: A First Things Symposium.”
Work — See Christine Porath’s piece from The New York Times, “It’s Time to Be Nice at Work.” From Business Insider see “9 Things Successful People Do Right Before Bed.”
Leadership — See Jason Garrett’s video “Jason Garrett Princeton Varsity Club Citizen-Athlete Award Speech.” A good speech on leadership.
Risk —I love this quote I heard this week from actor Tom Selleck playing his character on a Blue Bloods episode. At one point he said “Risk is the price you pay for opportunity.” I really like that!
Not What I Would Expect — You might enjoy this interesting article from the New York Times. “A Cleaner Fleet Week: What Do You Do With a Cultured Sailor?”
Several years ago, Charlotte and I were at dinner with several friends. I realized at the end of our evening together that I had felt very relaxed throughout this dinner. We talked, laughed, and told stories. There was a certain ease about the evening. It dawned on me later how special the evening really was. I realized that I had been with people who I trusted.
I value friendships where deep trust exists. This kind of trust does not typically happen overnight. It can take months and even years to develop. When deep trust exists in friendships, it is very special.
Of course, I want to be in the presence of people who are trustworthy. The place to begin, however, is by making sure that I am a trustworthy person myself.
So what are some qualities of people you can trust?
1. A trustworthy person is genuine. When you get to know this person, you realize they have no hidden agenda. This person is not trying to use you or manipulate you. Rather, this person has a certain authenticity about her.
What is a great dad? Maybe he is a dad like the picture to the right. After all, this is a good scene, isn’t it? A father and son spend time together playing baseball. Many sons have good memories of their dads teaching them to play catch or how to hit a ball.
Yet, being a great dad is more than this. Being a great dad is about passing on character and goodness which will bless generations to come.
Some what are some of the qualities of a great dad?
1. A great dad treats the mother of his children with adoration and respect. Little children see it all! Nothing gets by them. They see the contemptuous looks and they hear the words that drip with sarcasm. The way you treat their mother, impacts the way they will treat others later on.
Like choosing a mate, sometimes churches seem to focus on the “outward appearance” when it comes to selecting a minister. Sometimes it seems that we are preoccupied with finding a minister who like King Saul of Israel will look the part.
Years ago, a church leader called me regarding a reference check of a prospective minister for their congregation. He explained that this person was not one of their “first tier” candidates. (I had not heard that language before in reference to selecting a minister.) He explained that they had hoped to get a minister who was widely known and already had a following. He mentioned several names of people who, at the time, were speaking in a number of workshops, lectureships, and other highly visible events across the country. What was interesting was their rationale for placing these people on their “first tier” list.
Yet, perhaps we would do well to consider what a focus on the heart (I Samuel 16:7) might look like as we consider a prospective minister for a congregation.
A few questions we might reflect on:
1. Does this minister seem to hunger for God? Is this minister’s moral and ethical life congruent with he claims to believe?
He sat in my office and looked troubled. He said, “We are engaged, yet I’m not sure I want to go through with this wedding. There is physical attraction, but I am troubled about some other matters.”
Far too many people, as they consider a potential spouse, put their priority on physical attraction. How attractive is she? How attractive is he? While physical attraction may be a factor, Christ-followers have other concerns which stand first in the priority line.
Remember King Saul of Israel? Tall. A military leader. A warrior. He looked the part. Today, people today might say regarding a particular person, “He looks presidential.” King Saul looked like a king.
Yet, even though he looked the part, he didn’t have the heart that God desired. Outwardly he may have appeared to be just right. Yet, because of his heart, his life did not reflect what God wanted. As Israel chose the next King of Israel, God desired to see a change. God said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (I Samuel 16:7).
“Were you afraid?” she asked. Of course I was. We were moving across the country after living in Waco for twenty years. We were leaving the known and entering the unknown. Yes, I know fear. Typically I become afraid of what could happen. After all, “What if?”
Meanwhile, early this morning I sat at a table in Starbucks. I was near the door. My cup of coffee was to my right. My computer was open. I was working on a document for a lunch meeting that I would have in a few hours. The morning was calm. People were coming and going, each leaving with a cup of coffee. I anticipated a full day with several meetings scheduled and some other work that I needed to take care of. The sun was shining and all was well. Fear was nowhere to be found.
However, there are times when I have awakened in the middle of the night only to be faced with my fears.
1. What if the situation I am working through goes bad? What will I do or say?
2. What about my children? What about their future? Will they be all right?
3. What if I die suddenly? What will Charlotte do? Will she be all right?
4. What about my work and ministry? What if I’m not as competent as I should be?
5. What about my health? What if I am suddenly stricken by disease?
I read the first few chapters of the book, Living as the Community of God. I was hooked.
The book is basically a commentary on Deuteronomy. Yet, it is so much more. I opened the book and read “Introduction: Why Bother with Deuteronomy.” The author Phillip Camp, Associate Professor of Bible in the Hazelip School of Theology at Lipscomb University, gives the reader ten reasons why the book matters for a Christian. For example:
(1) It shows what it means to be in a faithful relationship with God and invites us into such a relationship.
(2) It highlights the grace of God for his people and for all people.
(3) It teaches a great deal about the nature of God: his love, mercy, justice, righteousness, faithfulness, etc.
The list continues. I was impressed each one of these reasons. The reasons alone made me want to read the book.
What I especially appreciated about the book is that each chapter was well organized and well written. Each chapter had two sections that were particularly interesting. One section was called “The God of the Community.” This section discussed God, and the theology of Deuteronomy and the Bible.