It is amazing isn’t it? You get married and end up with a child — maybe several of them.
This child is around your house for awhile. The child comes home with you from the hospital and ends up in a baby bed. Perhaps you have decorated his or her room (at least for the first baby). This child begins to grow — quickly. Now it may not seem quickly. After all, there are some nights that seem to last forever (like when your child has colic). You take lots of pictures. This child does all kinds of cute things. Perhaps the pictures are on-line for all to see.
Your child begins school. Years pass. Now she is in junior high. Then, all of a sudden, you are seated in an auditorium watching her receive her high school diploma. In many ways, it all happened so fast — maybe too fast. But that is the way it is when you rear children.
So what is the point? This is where one might get a variety of answers. Some would say that the point of rearing a child is to raise her so that she will be happy, get a good job, be successful, etc.
Others recognize that this child is on loan from God. A parent is simply a manager or steward of what belongs to God in the first place. This parent recognizes that he/she is being called to rear this child for God. This parent wants the child to treasure God more than anything else — to find value in God above all else. Other parents just want their child to "go to church" and be a good person.
Whatever you see as the point for rearing this child impacts what you do and the way you handle yourself as a parent. After all, you are looking ahead. You realize that you are molding and shaping a little person.
Unfortunately, some parents seem to think they can buy their way there. I don’t think so. There are many things that money just can’t buy. But, some of us try.
- A child may have every kind of toy imaginable. If he sees a toy on television, then it is a trip to Toys R Us. What this child wants, this child gets. Toys, that is.
- A child goes to the grocery store with his dad or mom. "If you are good, I will give you a toy."
- A child wants a snow cone, a coke, a Happy Meal, candy, etc. and always gets it.
- A child is in junior high. WHATEVER his friends have, he will have also. He will not do without. His parents see to it that he has what they have. The toys get more and more expensive.
Meanwhile, there are many things that a child needs that can not be fixed or secured through money.
A child needs the attention — the full attention — of a parent. Perhaps a child simply needs for mom or dad to stop and just be with him or her. Far too many moms and dads think that their children need to be entertained when the child simply wants to play. That may mean that mom or dad needs to turn off the cell phone and sit down on the floor with this four-year-old.
A child needs to learn delayed gratification. I worry about a child who seems to get most everything she or he wants — immediately. A child needs to learn to wait, to save, and to even earn.
A child needs to learn that there are consequences to behavior. Why? There are consequences to behavior in the adult world. I certainly want my child to be prepared for that. I do my child no favor when I interfere and regularly remove the natural consequences of her behavior.
So what do you think? What does a child need that money just can’t buy? Why do so many parents try to use money to solve most any situation with their children?
Jim,
I have loved the series on parenting, but I’ve especially loved this one. My prayer is that those of us who read this will have the courage to carry it out.
I love parenting, but it’s a tough job.
Thanks for blessing us with your posts.
Trey
This post reminded me of my 13th birthday. My parents divorced when my mother was pregnant with me, and all I wanted growing up was time with my dad. My 13th birthday I was so excited because I got to spend it with him, but he took me to the store and said, "get anything you want." I remember being so disappointed, like he didn’t know what to do with me, he didn’t know me well enough to know what I liked, he didn’t want to have to deal with me so he bought me off instead. I don’t think this is exactly what you were getting at in your post, but the idea of what kids need? Love, time to be known in the way only a parent can know their child, to feel as though they are interesting to their parent. Thanks for the thoughts; as we think about starting a family, it is helping focus me on what we value and how we want to raise our kids.
Excellent, Jim. I would add boundaries and loving and consistent discipline, though you sort of touched on this with the comment about consequences. Having just become a grandparent, this is so relevant to me (again) as I now am going to be able to stand on the sidelines and watch my son and his wife raise “our” child.
Great post as always. I agree with everything, and strive for those
same things with my own children. But – and with that intro you knew
there was a "but" – I think that you should add the parents’ upbringing
into the mix. Those who became successful after being raised poor are
going to naturally want their children to have things they never could.
People who have struggled making friends may want their child to be
their best friend. As you pointed out, but not in so many words, being
a good provider is a good thing; being too good a provider crosses a
line. But where’s the line? Tough call. Likewise, friends are those we
want to spend time with. We all agree we should spend time with our
children, so the extension is a natural one, although misguided. Much
of parenting falls under what I call "The Ritalin Dilemma." I believe
that there is a certain percentage of children that truly require
ritalin or other behavior-modifying drugs. I also firmly believe that
in general these drugs are prescribed much too often, to children who
simply need a slightly different parenting style, for example applying
the things from your recent blog series. But who is to know the
difference? Who really should get the drugs? Hence the Dilemma. When
are too many toys too many? The answer: it depends.
I’m 25 with no kids but reading these past few posts have reminded me to be diligent toward pressing fully into building my character in this life stage since so many of the concepts seem they could be stripped down to the character built in each of those people before they were ever given the "parent" title. Who I am to the core will absolutely be reflected in my children. And as a reflection of my childhood, I can’t remember all the things they bought me and I’m sure a family vacation memory or two are gone, but what I lean in and on most at 25 is the character my parents showed and lived. One specific thing is that my dad included me in his work life. I knew what he did, where he worked, who he worked with, I was able to spend Saturdays or after school at his store. Granted, he was the owner, but I saw the whole story of my parents lives. Money couldn’t have bought what I learned from watching my dad.
Trey,Thanks very much for your encouraging and affirming words.Jim
Jennifer,Thank you for such a personal and helpful comment. You have helped many of us by enabling us to see what this feels like through a 13 year old who simply wanted to be with her Dad.I also like your list of some things that kids need. Very, very good. Thanks.
Greg,Thanks for what you added. You said it better than I did.
Dave,A great comment. You help us all see some of the complexities of parenting. You are so right when you say "It depends." I have seen children grow up in homes of very, very wealthy people who did not seem to have near the struggle with materialism compared to some others who grew up in less affluent (but still affluent) homes.Great comment by the way regarding the significance of a parents background.
Blakely,A great comment. What great memories you must have being with your dad in the store.