Marriage and Following Jesus
- Published
- in Family, Jesus, Spiritual Life
This being Tuesday, we will be at Rosa’s tonight ("Taco Tuesday Night"). It’s what these empty nest people do on Tuesday evenings. After that, we will go to Baylor to see basketball (Baylor men vs. Colorado).
I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage/family lately (much of this in preparation for preaching/teaching) and what it means to follow Jesus as a married person or in the context of family in general. Right now, I am thinking about some basic principles that are important for people living in covenant marriage. For example:
Our behavior as a
married people cannot be disconnected from relationship with
Jesus.
There are people who pray, read their Bible, never miss an assembly,
and yet regularly and persistently sin against their mate. I don’t mean adultery but disrespect, self-centeredness and just a general lack of consideration. There are people who
mistreat their spouse and yet don’t seem to see that this behavior contradicts the life and teachings of Jesus. (Note the instructions given to some of the early Christ-followers in I Peter 3:7.)
Here is a person who is "deeply
spiritual" but who ignores his wife. There is nothing spiritual about such behavior. So what is this about? I think that in some cases there is a disconnect. There is a disconnect between what Jesus was about and life in the home or on the street. With some people, there is not an understanding that as a Christ-follower, my marriage/family is where I live out much of my discipleship.
There are some serious implications for a person who follows Jesus and is in a human family. The question that I must grapple with is not, "Am I happy in this marriage/family?" Nor is it, "Are all my needs being met here?" The questions that I begin with are questions like:
- Am I following Jesus in this family?
- As a husband/wife, am I living in obedience to Jesus?
- In what way am I coming to know Christ or getting closer to Christ because of what is happening in our family?
Some of us view our marriages like a can of diet coke. Put your hand around the can. Cold. You anticipate the taste. You know that when you pop the top you will hear the fizz. Finally, you open it. You hear the fizz and you enjoy the cold drink. You drink it all and look for a
place to throw the can away. Fizz is nice. Very nice. However, marriage is more than fizz.
People who are maturing in Christ learn that fizz is only a foretaste of real joy. There is a real joy that can be experienced in marriage that is born after years of loving one another in the ordinary moments of life. Raising children. Struggling through difficult times. Looking out for one another through fun times and not so fun times.
I have in my office two, black leather bound books. One is a dictionary. The other is a thesaurus. These were given to me one day at a cemetery the summer that I graduated from high school. I was at a funeral at Grove
Hill Memorial
Park in Dallas. Everyone was standing at the graveside service. The
funeral home tent was flapping in the wind. As the service came to a close, a long, shiny
black Cadillac came slowly down the road.
A slender woman got out of the car and walked toward the gathering. The woman began talking with my parents. I recognized her as a family friend from long ago. She then handed me a present. A high school graduation present. These two books.
I grew up knowing this family. In my eyes they were rich, the wealthiest people I knew. They
seemed to have everything. I was
fascinated by their stuff. But that day
in the cemetery seemed particularly sad.
That day I learned that her husband had left her for some young secretary in the office.
I opened the present and looked at these
books. They were from
Neiman-Marcus. I had never owned anything
from such a store.
(We bought at Sears in Dallas, either on Lamar or Ross street.) I looked at the books and thought about the sadness of this woman. A covenant had been abandoned by her husband.
Marriage can be very complex. It can be difficult. I don’t want to offer answers which are trite or simplistic. Yet, I do believe that Christian people must ultimately grapple with this big, big issue. "What does it mean to follow Jesus and be married?"
Yes, I believe we have mixed up the pursuit of happiness with the work of peace. Ironically, when we work towards peace, happiness is not far behind.
Jim, I appreciate the reminder. God has been gracious by giving me such a wonderful wife (of twenty years). I wish that I’d listened to the sort of consel you offer in this post early in our relationship. The more I’ve been able to swallow and digest Ph. 2.3f as a guiding principle, the less self-centered I’ve become. But I have a long way still to go. Thanks for always being so practical, helpful and Christ-centered.
This is, in my estimation, the core issue. This is especially the case in the culture that asks early and often: What’s in it for me?
May we all walk in step with the Spirit, being strengthened inwardly so that Christ might live in our hearts by faith.
-bill
Well, I have two thoughts. First, the old adage, "familiarity breeds contempt." We (hopefully) get so familiar with our spouses that (unfortunately) we might fall into this trap. As you say, it is work to avoid these pitfalls, in marriage and any relationship, really.The other idea is the overused "Sunday saint, Monday ain’t." We feel the need to be Christian at church, and might genuinely be. But after that, we are allowed to fall to our human ways, and give in to those failings. This includes the treatment of our spouses, sometimes in ways that might have Jesus shedding a tear or two. The obvious response is: you simple can’t be a Christian for only one hour.Sorry, but both of these are a little closer to trite and simplistic, to use your words. Still, a cliche usually comes along because it has some general applicability to life.
I’m not that old, but in my almost 54 years, I’ve seen far too many marriages break up because of a lack of honor between spouses. Excellent, Jim. And thanks for a timely reminder to all of us.
Sometimes it is hard to appreciate the best things….this past Sunday I left church and felt like I needed more worship time….then I realized the rest of the day would be spent with my husband and children and grandchildren. I realized I could dedicate the day to God BY honoring my family.
Most of the time…I am not so good, especially with my wonderful husband.
Thanks Gregg– I like the way you said it: "A lack of honor." Thanks Donna–You are right. We do sometimes not appreciate the best things and often most familiar. Thanks Dave– I like your words regarding "familiarity." I think you’ve got it right…
Bill–Thanks for what you said. I too think it is the core issue. Ben–Thanks so much. I also have had to work this out in my marriage. Sometimes I think I completley lost any sense of connection betweeen Christ and marriage. I am more conscious of that now.
L.L.– I like the way you said, "When we work for peace, happiness is not far behind."
I’ve often commented that I would be a much better christian if I never had to deal with people. And yet it is the people we interact with who sharpen us the most as we (hopefully) shed our selfishness and learn to be servants to one another.
Looking back on my ten years of marriage, it is the difficult times that have glued us together as a family. Love and Respect after the romantic feelings subside and Real Life hits — when my husband was out of work for a year; when I spent six-weeks on hospital bedrest with our twins; when our twins spent six-weeks in the NICU; my recent surgery and current recovery. And the day-to-day challenges of life, which feel equally hard sometimes–patiently teaching our children; living on a budget; cleaning the toilet.
Being willing to give up our “rights” and treat our spouse the way Christ would changes everything in a home.
Scripture’s imagery of our relationship with God and marriage (both in the OT (Hosea) and NT (household codes)) is so closely tied together that to disrespect and sin against a spouse shows a total disregard for an lack of appreciation toward our relationship with God. I know we all struggle with different things but marriage is not to be compromised. It shows a total disregard for what God is trying to teach us. Good thoughts
Jim, Great thoughts. I think the real test of our discipleship is at home. This is not emphasized enough. And so we don’t see it that way. Thanks.
Matt–Thanks very much. You express this well. I think this is closer to the heart of God than many of us would care to admit.
R.I really like the way you connect the "earthiness" of life with servanthood in marriage. Our faithfulness to the covenant is found in the ordinary, non-glamorous side of everyday living.
Ted,Thanks very much!