Category: Emotional Maturity

Ministry Inside.87

puzzled“One of the biggest problems with pastors is their lack of self-awareness and inadequate relational abilities.”

This quote caught my attention.

I was reading a transcript of a presentation given by Dr. Rod Wilson, president of Regent College. The presentation was entitled “Why Emotional Intelligence Is Missing in So Many Churches and Christian Institutions.” In the message Wilson quotes a pastor who is on his denomination’s ordination board. Wilson says that if a person is intellectually bright, we often conclude that such intelligence will lead to a certain kind of behavior.

Of course, “We all know that intelligence, in the traditional sense of the word, is no guarantee of emotional strength and appropriate behavior.” Churches and ministers have seen this again and again. A person may be highly intelligent but particularly inept in relating to people.

Good leaders need what Daniel Goleman refers to as “emotional intelligence.” Consider the two categories often used to describe emotional intelligence.

Personal competence – This involves self-awareness and self-managment. Do I have a sense of who I am? Do I have an awareness of my wounds or vulnerabilities? Am I aware when I am lonely or angry? Do I have a sense for my patterns of behavior when I am tempted to make poor, unethical or immoral decisions?

Social competence – This involves an awareness of what is happening in relationships. It is social awareness. Do I have a sense for how I am coming across to people in a one-on-one setting or in a group meeting? Do I tend to say what is appropriate? Am I often surprised by how others perceive me in conversations?

Far too many ministers pay little attention to their emotional intelligence.

Read More

Ministry Inside.86

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCIFT9KeIXo[/youtube]

Recently, I was at Regent College and had the opportunity to hear Dr. Rod Wilson one evening.  Rod Wilson serves as the President of Regent and is also Professor of Counseling and Psychology.  His talk was helpful, informative, and encouraging.

The video is from another talk in which he discusses humility and leadership.  His words are helpful in thinking about what it means to have a healthy sense of self in a Christian context.

Ministry Inside.86

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCIFT9KeIXo[/youtube]

Recently, I was at Regent College and had the opportunity to hear Dr. Rod Wilson one evening.  Rod Wilson serves as the President of Regent and is also Professor of Counseling and Psychology.  His talk was helpful, informative, and encouraging.

The video is from another talk in which he discusses humility and leadership.  His words are helpful in thinking about what it means to have a healthy sense of self in a Christian context.

Fear

(I am away on a vacation/study break during the month of July. The posts that appear during the month are from the archives.)

Fear.

It is everywhere! No, I am not talking about the fear of the Lord. Nor am I talking about any sort of healthy fear.

No, I am referring to another kind of fear — an unhealthy fear.

She sat just outside the main doors to our auditorium (sanctuary, worship center, etc.). She was in her late 40s, had alcohol on her breath, and looked as if she had been crying for days. The doors were open and the service was about to begin. She sat in a chair and refused to go in. She said something about not being worthy. She sat in that chair, legs crossed, and rocked.

I knew this woman and some of her family. She was an alcoholic and had lived in much pain and had caused much pain for many years. She had lived a sad life.

Deep within this woman was much fear. She was fearful that God no longer loved her. She was afraid to stop drinking and afraid to continue. She had been hurt deeply by others. She had been through one broken marriage and wondered if she would be loved again.

Read More

21 Ways to Upgrade Your Relationships (Part 4)

(I am away on a vacation/study break during the month of July. The posts that appear during the month are from the archives.)

Need to “upgrade” your relationships? The following suggestions might be helpful:


10. Come to grips with any anger and rage issues in your life (Colossians 3:8). Who knows how many relationships have been damaged and even ended because of uncontrolled anger? Years ago, I was in a meeting and watched a guy have a meltdown. People were talking in this meeting and there was some kind of disagreement. This man’s face turned beet red and then he just lost it. For a few seconds (that seemed like a long, long time) he exploded and chewed out the group. Later, he acted as if nothing had happened. No apology. No remorse. Nothing. Life went on until some months later, he had another fit of rage. This happened again and again. This man lost much of his influence and damaged numerous relationships over this behavior.


11. Be honest in your relationships. Paul says, “Do not lie to each other, . . . .” (Colossians 3:9) Lying is a part of the old self and not the new self. Lies are absolutely destructive in relationships. Once a friend or a spouse discovers that you have been lying to them, it is very difficult for that relationship to ever really go anywhere. After all, relationships are based on truth, openness, and transparency. Not long ago, I spoke with a person who realized that a good friend had been lying to her for many years. There had been so many lies that she wondered what she could believe. The relationship has been severely severed now that these lies have been discovered.

Read More

“But That’s Hard!”

Many of us say this and then give ourselves a pass to take an easier route.Avoid.jpg

We want to avoid what is hard, difficult, and risky.

So, some of us give ourselves a pass.


“I know what I should do, but I don’t want to risk. This is really hard.”

“I know I shouldn’t be seeing this guy, but my marriage is awful. I just need someone to talk to, but I know where this could lead. This is hard.”

“I know I shouldn’t be doing my child’s research paper, but she is behind. She will fail the class if she doesn’t get it turned in. This is hard.”

“I know I ought to take better care of myself, but I don’t like to go to the doctor. It is hard to be healthy.”

“I know I should turn off the television more and spend time with my children. But this is football season! This is hard.”

“I know I should have a conversation with the guy instead of talking with everyone else about him. But I don’t want to confront him. This is hard.”

“I know I should apologize for snapping at my friend. Now she shouldn’t have said what she did. But in my more honest moments, I know I shouldn’t have been so rude. It’s hard to do the right thing.”


Yet, in avoiding what is hard or difficult, we may miss a breakthrough.


This is what I’ve learned. I have also experienced moments when I realized that my fear was keeping me bogged down and stuck.Often, when I take a step toward doing what is hard, I have experienced breakthroughs. At times, I have realized there is great joy in persevering. At other times, I found that God gave me strength where I thought I had none.


Fear never results in freedom.


So here is what I am trying to do. I want to look fear in the eye. I want to look at the situation that I am avoiding (or rationalizing) and take one step in the right direction. Is this something that you need to do as well?

Look fear in the eye and then step into it. Trust that God will be with you (read chapter one in the book of Joshua). Thank God for that first step and then take another. At the end of the day, know that you’ve made real progress. Is the situation fixed? Is it better? Not necessarily. You, however, will not be the same. In fact, you are breaking free.


Question:

How much energy does it take to regularly avoid doing what is difficult? Do you find this avoidance actually uses up valuable energy?

   

When Adults Refuse to Grow Up

Have you ever known a man or a woman who refused to grow up?growup.jpg


(This person could have been a preacher or an elder in your church.)

“Adult” ought to suggest something desirable. One would think an adult or a mature person might inspire or in some way cause us to do better.

Yet:

  • Have you ever known a man or woman who was stuck in adolescence?
  • Have you ever known someone who refused to grow up?
  • Have you ever known someone who had an adult body but who was so immature that she damaged many people in her life?
  • Have you ever known a man who would not commit to hardly anything?

I’ve been a minister for a long time. Through the years, I have known a few very immature ministers who began working with a church only to frustrate that church by their own immaturity. Nothing is sadder than a minister who spends his time and energy manipulating people into propping up his ego instead of relating to people on an adult level. Of course, this kind of behavior is not limited to ministers. I talk with people on a regular basis who deal with such people at work.


So what does it mean to be an adult?

  • An adult takes responsibility for her life. An adult says, “I did it” or “I was mistaken” or “I was wrong.”

  • An adult does not forever blame people for where she is in life. An adult does not spend the workday whining about this and that. An adult learns to take responsibility for what she has control over and move on.

  • An adult does not use people to prop up his sagging ego. An adult can focus on another person, compliment and affirm without always turning the conversation to himself. Even the person who is always denigrating himself may be doing that in an effort to keep the attention focused on him.
  • An adult considers the implications of his behavior on other people. “If I don’t come through with my part of the project, how will that impact the other team members?”
  • An adult considers the schedules of others instead of being consistently and regularly late (which communicates to others that I care more about what I am doing than causing others to always have to wait).
  • An adult follows through. “I’ll give you a call.” “I’ll put you in my prayers.” “I’ll bring this book right back.” Do you follow through? Do people know that when you say you will call that you will call? Do they know that when you say “Let’s have lunch” that you are serious? Or do they know that you rarely follow through on what you say? I was visiting with a friend the other day. He told me of a mutual friend who one day said to him, “Let’s all get together for dinner soon.” My friend said, “I knew that would be the last I would ever hear of that unless I took the initiative to make it happen. That guy is always saying such things but doesn’t follow through.

Don’t get me wrong. Adults are not people who are overly serious and a bore to be around. No, adults can laugh, be silly, ride bikes, cheer at sports events, and on and on. In other words, having fun and being adult do not contradict one another. It’s just that adults have learned one thing that many others have not.

Appropriateness.

Adults are learning what behavior is appropriate and when.

Want to learn more about what it means to be “adult”? Read Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, or the book of James. All are in the Bible. All give us pictures of people who are maturing and those who aren’t.


Question:

When you are around someone who is mature, how does that impact your own behavior? How does immaturity impact relationships?

Are You a Lover or a Manipulator?

The truth is that some manipulate and others love. Manipulators are not loving people because love is not on their agenda. Their agenda is control.


Some observations about manipulators:

1. Manipulators can be the elephants in the middle of the room who are ignored, but after a while they are not even seen. It is sort of like living in a house for a long time and no longer seeing scratches on the wall. They become a part of the scenery.

2. Self-centered, immature people have a way of draining the life and energy from people around them. To disagree with such a person is to risk being labeled “not supportive.” Consequently, you may believe you cannot honestly express what you are seeing in that person’s life. You may feel that whenever you are candid with this person, she pulls away.

3. Manipulators do not love others. They use others for their benefit. They use others to draw attention to themselves.

• “See how overworked I am.” — Poor guy, we need to back off.
• “What would this church do without me?” — Why I don’t know what we would do without you!
• “With all of the talented people we are bringing on staff here, you will probably fire me one day.” — Oh no, we’re not going to let that happen.

Over and over manipulators do or say whatever might elicit a certain response. The focus is not on loving other people. The focus is on using others for gain.

There are, however, those people who love. They love family, friends, and people in the church. These people love you and regularly do (or attempt to do) what is in your best interest. They are looking out for you, not themselves. Using you? Not at all. Relationship is not about self-interest with these people.


Some observations about people who love:

People who love can be trusted. Even when they are mistaken or do not handle something well in the relationship. It was just that — a mistake. It did not occur because of some manipulative ploy, etc.

People who love are in some way imitating God. Isn’t this where loving people originates?

People who love are “safe” people. They do not use, manipulate or hurt people in any way.

People who love do not need a lot of attention. They are not forever turning a conversation back to themselves.


Question:

What are some characteristics of a manipulator? What are some characteristics of a loving person?


When Anger Takes Over

I went to his blog again today. I don’t know the guy who writes this blog.anger.jpg

But I do know one thing: He is angry.

“Angry at what?” you ask.

Now that is a hard question for me to answer.

It seems that, regardless of the subject of the post, he comes across as agitated and angry. The subject or topic does not seem to matter.

Several years ago, I used to read his blog. His topics were interesting but I got real tired of the tone of his posts. I stopped reading his blog.

For some reason, I decided to check his blog today. I read four or five posts. In almost every post, regardless of the topic, the tone was the same. He was angry. In fact, he sounded bitter.

I don’t know this man’s story. Perhaps he experienced some kind of pain or hurt a long time ago. Perhaps he now uses his anger as a weapon to keep others from getting too close or too intimate. Perhaps his anger has been his way of keeping others at arm’s length. Again, I don’t know his story.

I do know that anger, fear, and pride left unchecked have a way of taking over one’s attitude. These characteristics have a way of shaping one’s words and expressions.


Question

Have you ever noticed that you were stuck in a particular attitude? That is, no matter what you did or said a negative attitude seemed to come out. How did you address this?

Stuck in a Memphis Bathroom

I was stuck.water.jpg

Years ago, I had just finished taking a final exam at Harding Graduate School of Religion (Memphis). The test was not complete until late afternoon. I decided to spend the night and stayed at my friend Gary’s apartment. Gary worked nights and I would have the apartment to myself most of the evening.

I had been in Memphis all week taking a D. Min. seminar and so by Friday evening, I was ready to relax. I planned to watch a pre-season football game on television and eat a pizza that had just been delivered. Just before eating the first piece of pizza, I stepped into the restroom to wash my hands. I turned the knob at the sink and the thing fell off. Water shot into the air. I ran outside to look for the apartment office or a maintenance person. I saw no one.

I ran to the next apartment and banged on the door. A guy opened the door and he was drunk. I told him what had happened and he started yelling about the irresponsible maintenance people. Meanwhile, water was seeping under his wall. He said that he would contact maintenance, so I went back into the apartment. I yanked a hose off the vacuum cleaner and stuck one end over the broken faucet so the water could flow through the hose, while I held the other end over the bathtub.

I sat on the commode lid, holding one end of the hose with one hand and the other end with the other hand.

For about thirty minutes, I sat there. I was stuck! Sitting on a commode lid, praying for someone to come. Finally the drunk guy came into the apartment and a maintainience man followed. He turned the water off outside and began vacuuming the water with a shop vacuum cleaner.

About 10:00 PM, they both left. The maintenance guy went home. The drunk guy went to his apartment. I left my seat on the commode lid.

I went into the kitchen. The game was over and the pizza was cold. What an evening!

I had been stuck all evening in a Memphis bathroom.


Now lots of us get stuck.

Sometimes families get stuck. Their life and joy are gone.
Sometimes married couples get stuck. Their sexual relationship may lack passion and desire and instead happen only out of a sense of duty.
Sometimes friends get stuck. They continue to be friends even though their withdrawals are larger than their deposits.
Sometimes churches get stuck. They stop dreaming or anticipating what God might do.
Sometimes elder groups get stuck. They stopped having any fun or joy a long time ago.
Sometimes individuals get stuck. A guy may spend more time sitting in his recliner watching ball games than talking with his wife and children.

Getting unstuck is not always easy. Yet the first thing that we need to do is to simply acknowledge that we are stuck. Then we need to spend some time imagining a new kind of life. We need to imagine life that is unstuck. For example, we need to imagine what we might do as a church if we were unstuck.


Question:

Have you experienced being stuck? What did you notice about the experience? What makes getting unstuck difficult?