Tag: Marriage

Putting Your Marriage Before Your Kids (Guest writer-Trey Morgan)

The following post was written by guest writer, Trey Morgan. Trey is a husband, a father of four boys, and a minister in Childress, Texas. He has a very good blog and has especially written some good posts regarding marriage and family. You can read more from Trey on his blog which you can find here.


When it comes to marriage, Lea and I struggle with the same things you struggle with. We often find ourselves taking one another for granted for the sake of less important things. Things like busyness, ministries, work and hobbies will always crowd a marriage for time, but I think the biggest challenge for any marriage, including ours, is balancing marriage and raising children. This is especially a struggle when you have young children.

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I firmly believe that the ONLY thing that should be more important than your marriage is your relationship with God. Raising your children should be of the utmost importance, but not to the degree that you put your relationship with your husband/wife on the back burner. One couple recently said this about their marriage, “We don’t have a marriage. We have a business. We make money, pay bills and raise kids, period.” How sad!

I’m amazed at how many people justify putting their marriages on the back burner for their children’s sake. If you invest all your energies into your children and none into your marriage, your marriage will struggle to survive when the kids are grown. What happens is, once the kids are grown, you’ll look across the table at your marriage partner and realize you really don’t have anything in common anymore.

So to keep your marriage happy and healthy, you’re going to have to be willing to invest time in it. Finding time to reconnect in your marriage is healthy. Lea and I strongly feel that raising our boys takes lots of time and energy, but not to the point that we lose the healthiness of our marriage. We personally feel that we must reconnect regularly for our marriage to remain healthy. Sometimes we reconnect in our marriage by simply …

• Making time a couple of times a week to go for a 30 minute walk together.
• Going on a date once a week and trying to talk about things other than just the kids.
• Calling home from work just to say “hello.”
• Spending twenty minutes at a Sonic drive-up just to talk.
• Having lunch together.
• Going grocery shopping together.
• And it’s very healthy when we can occasionally spend a night away somewhere or have a whole weekend away.

Our children are SO important in our lives, and we should be investing a ton of time into the ministry of parenthood. But our children also need to see their parents display a healthy marriage, and for that to happen it takes investing time. That’s why finding ways to reconnect is so important.


Question:

What has been important to you in reconnecting in your marriage?


What Would You Give Up for an Affair?

Years ago I knew a couple whose marriage was coming unraveled. The couple was in their 30s. They had children. She had just learned that her husband had been having an affair with a person at work. There was much hurt, turmoil, and brokenness. She was ready to leave him. She was not going to live with a man who would practice such deception and break their marriage vows.relationships1.jpg

He woke up.

I talked with them one day. He told her how ashamed he was of his behavior. He cried. She cried. She recoiled in hurt. He seemed to almost crumble on the floor. He literally begged her not to give up on him and on their marriage. He spoke of his shame and failure. He begged for her forgiveness.

I was about 27 years old. I had never been close to anyone who was experiencing such heartache. I remember thinking that this wasn’t like it was on television or in the movies. On television, a married person might begin a relationship with someone else. There is laughter. One person says that he has never been happier. Sometimes the affair is romanticized to the point that the viewer wonders if he is not missing something by not having an affair. So often the focus is on the self and who seems to be getting their selfish desires met.

However, real men of character will never, ever throw their family under the bus while they chase their lustful fantasy with a new found “honey.”

Women of character will never do this either.

Yet, again and again it happens. A husband or wife begins a relationship with another person. This person has already made a promise before God that she/he would be faithful in marriage. After all, marriage is a covenant with God. A person marries and is in an exclusive relationship with a husband or wife.

Yet, later on, some married people put more energy into the pursuit of a lustful fantasy than they do their marriage. The marriage covenant is violated. As a result, another marriage ends. A person has chosen disobedience to God over obedience. This person has decided to take life into his own hands, making whatever selfish decision he believes is necessary in order to feel good.

  • Smaller children experience the trauma of a mother or father leaving their home.
  • Older children realize that their mom or dad has put their own desires before their family.
  • Trust is fractured and even broken.
  • Friendships are broken.
  • There is much hurt, heartache and disappointment.  

Marriage is often difficult.

Sometimes there are seasons during which a marriage is dry and even rocky. During these seasons, many men and women will often put great energy into their marriage. They will get counseling. They will seek to work through their problems. Some of these marriages get significantly better. Some do not.

Yet, adultery is never the answer. Not for a person who loves God and seeks to live in obedience to him. Not for a person of character.


Question:

What would you add to the list above? What are some of the everyday costs of sexual unfaithfulness? What have you observed?


  

Ending Marriage’s Bad Rap (Guest Writer)

The other day, I came across a fine post by Sheila Wray Gregoire of Belleville, Ontario, Canada. I thought that many of you might enjoy this as well:
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If an alien were to peruse the magazines at the checkout counter, he or she would likely conclude that humans are all masochists: we’re inexplicably drawn to the institution of marriage even though we know our partners will cheat on us, denigrate us, and complain about our lack of bedroom prowess. Our kids, reading those same headlines, are likely to become disenchanted with the institution, too. Marriage is a pipe dream. The most we can hope for is a few years of happiness before it all falls apart.


After all, even beauty, that most prized possession, can’t keep a spouse in line. Tiger’s wife is beautiful. Sandra Bullock is beautiful. Jennifer Aniston was beautiful. But their husbands all ran around on them. And women aren’t that much better. Angelina Jolie, by some accounts, seems to be copying Brad Pitt’s infidelity in spades.

Disastrous relationships and celebrity seem to go hand in hand, of course, from as far back as Cleopatra. But today it’s not just celebrities whose marriages are failing. Many kids who have witnessed family breakdown firsthand. Those they know and love couldn’t make it work, so why should they expect to find lifelong companionship themselves?

Let me attempt to answer that question. Yes, marriage is hard. Yes, people can have affairs. But despite the epidemic of non-commitment in Hollywood, more than 50% of marriages do survive in the here and now—and the rate is higher for first-time marriages. Sure many marriages fail, but it’s not as if the institution is dead.

Thinking marriage is going to fail, though, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we figure marriage is doomed, we’re far less likely to look for someone that we can see ourselves growing old with, and far more likely to seek someone to be with right now. That can cause immense heartbreak, but also more seriously it can lead to pregnancies that hand us the hardest job in the world—parenthood—without a partner to shoulder the burdens and the joys with. When we don’t believe in long-term relationships, we often get too involved in short-term ones, even if these short-term ones have long-term consequences.

The problems with forsaking life-time commitment don’t just fall on those who have yet to say “I do”, though; they chase those who have already promised it. When people think that they can run if things aren’t going their way, they’re far less likely to work on problems. And if you feel like your commitment isn’t solid, you’re less likely to bring up problems, too. Your marriage can’t grow.

Yet problems don’t have to signal the end of a relationship. In their book, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher reported on a five-year study of couples who rated their marriages as terrible. Those who divorced in that five-year span were less likely to be personally happy than those who stuck it out. But even more striking, 78% of couples who stayed in their marriages, even during the tough times, five years later rated those marriages as very good. In other words, if your marriage is in the toilet, it’s not necessarily time to flush it.

You have to believe in marriage to see it work: it’s just too hard to keep a relationship together when one person has left the escape hatch open. Yes, people can cheat on you. Yes, they can betray you. Maybe you’ve already been married and you’ve experienced this firsthand. But it doesn’t mean that all potential spouses will forsake you. Most marriages still work. And marriage is worth fighting for, because life is just too lonely without someone to walk through it with us.


(You can read Sheila Wray Gregoire’s blog here. You might also want one of her books including: Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women who want to get more in the mood”)


13 Ways To Destroy a Marriage

No one gets married and then sets out to destroy that marriage. denial1.jpg

However, many marriages are in trouble because the following behaviors persist. These are behaviors I have witnessed after having hundreds of conversations with married people:


1. Be set in your ways. “I was this way when you married me and I’m this way now!” (Now that is mature!) This is the person who insists on his way. He goes to great lengths (and expense) to get tickets to see his favorite basketball team play. Yet, when his wife wants to go to a play or see her favorite team play, he goes on and on about how they are unable to afford this.

2. Take your spouse for granted. You spend time and energy talking about dinner and what was wrong with the taste or the appearance. Don’t thank her/him. “After all,” you rationalize, “no one thanks me!”

3. Put your work, hunting, sports, church, or most anything else before your marriage. As a result, your spouse only gets whatever time, energy, or attention that you have left.   

4. Hurt your spouse where he or she is vulnerable. Is your old boyfriend making lots of money? Bring this up about the time that your husband is struggling just to keep his job. Is your wife struggling with her weight? Point out how nice an attractive woman looks now that she has lost all of that weight. Make jokes about how heavy your spouse is getting.

5. Stop taking care of yourself. Give little or no attention to your appearance, weight, hygiene, or dress. Let yourself go.

6. Take your sex life for granted. Assume that those who REALLY have a great sex life are those who are single and promiscuous. Assume that those who are married, faithful, and committed are all experiencing a sex life that is lacking and boring. Start thinking that the porn star who is being paid to have sex with another is the one who is REALLY experiencing an exciting sex life.

7. Instead of focusing your energy on nurturing your relationship, focus your energy on entertaining your lust. This can range from watching shows on television that appeal to your lust to sitting in front of the computer gazing at pornography. The focus shifts away from deepening the intimacy in marriage through trust, commitment, and tenderness. Instead, lust becomes the focus and self-gratification the goal. No longer are the man and woman making love. Instead, they are focused on their own stimulation and their own gratification.

8. Play with “harmless” temptations. Have a secret friend who your spouse knows little or nothing about. This may be someone at work who sends you personal and intimate text messages. This may be a special Facebook friend with whom you are enjoying a deep and intimate emotional bond. Perhaps this is someone from the past. This may be someone who pays you lots of attention and you find yourself excited to see this person whenever possible. Perhaps this is a person at church who has a way of flirting with you when your husband is not around.

9. Attack one another with hurtful words. Your arguments have turned brutal. You are not sure when this started but at some point your language toward each other became crude and demeaning. At first, you couldn’t believe what you called her. Now you both are using very degrading language toward one another.

10. Be more concerned with your image than the reality of your marriage. Be more concerned with what her parents or your own parents think of you than with the reality of your marriage. Be more concerned about what your friends might think than in dealing with problems in your marriage. In other words, act like everything is wonderful when others are around. This kind of thinking prevents a person from seeking counseling and prayer. After all, what might others think?

11. Do nothing. Don’t initiate. Don’t forgive. Don’t take her out. Don’t arrange for the baby sitter. Just sit there — mentally, emotionally, and physically. Your marriage will die a slow death.

12. Pay little attention to Jesus. After all, if you get serious about obedience to him and your own discipleship, you may have to seriously think about the next loving move you need to make in the relationship.

13. Refuse to forgive. Harbor grudges. Stay angry. Let your resentment fester.


Question:

What else would you add to this list? What have you seen or even experienced which contributes to the demise of a marriage?

Question: How Did You Learn to Be Married?

I have a question.marriage2.jpg

I talk with a lot of people about marriage. Some of these people would like to be married one day but don’t have anyone in mind. Others in these conversations are engaged. I also talk about marriage with people who are married.

What is difficult for many, many people is that they have never seen a healthy marriage up close. They may have grown up in a single parent home. Or, they may have grown up in a home where their parents were married and then divorced at some point while they were still in elementary school, middle school, or high school. Others have never seen a healthy marriage up close even though their parents were married throughout their growing up years.
I mention this because it is often difficult for a young guy or a young woman to imagine themselves being married when they aren’t quite sure what that looks like or feels like. Some of these people ask questions like these:

  • What do people do everyday when they are married? (Remember if you have never seen this up close, it may not be that obvious.)
  • Are there marriages out there that really do work?
  • What do I do in order to contribute to a healthy marriage?

Question:

How did you learn to be married?
I am particularly interested in hearing from you if you never saw a healthy marriage up close while you were growing up, and yet you married. What helped you? Whom did you learn from? What suggestions would you give others?
I am also interested in hearing from you if you did witness a healthy marriage. What did you observe? What do you hope to put into practice in your own marriage? I am interested in hearing your response to this whether you are single or already married.


21 Ways to Upgrade Your Relationships (Part 1)

I was once in a conversation with a man who was very critical and derogatory toward another man. I gathered he had experienced something very negative with this man and now he resented the guy. Sometime later, I saw these two men together. The man who had made these cutting remarks was now smiling and behaving as if they were good friends. It was a strange contrast with what I had witnessed earlier.   

We are in a variety of relationships with others including:

Spouse

Parents

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Friends

Co-workers

Extended family members

People in our church

Yet, many of our relationships rock along, year after year, with very little attention or energy invested.

This series is about upgrading our relationships. What are some practical ways to invest in the relationships that really matter?

Consider these 21 ways to upgrade your relationships:

1. Take inventory of some of the relationships that are most significant to you. How would you rate your marriage right now? How would your spouse rate this same relationship? Is there a relationship with one of your children that is either strained or non-existent? Is this a relationship in which your own renewed investment of time, energy, and attention might make a significant difference? What about your friendships? Is there a friend with whom you need to take the initiative to reconnect?

2. Choose a person (spouse, child, friend) today and do something that communicates to this person that you value her.

3. Make a list of 5 to 10 people who are important to you. List how each of these people adds value to your life. Thank God for each person. Communicate your gratitude to at least one person this weekend.

(to be continued)


Question:

What have you found to be helpful toward upgrading your relationships?

41 Things Married People Ought to Know (Part 4)

Please tell me what else needs to be included.wedding1256054884.jpg

Over the last couple of weeks, I have shared 41 things that married people really ought to know. (See part 1 here, part 2 here, and part 3 here.) Some of these come from my own experience of being married for many years. Others on this list come from observing the marriages of others. This is not meant to be an exhaustive list. Perhaps this will be helpful as you form your own list.

32. If a couple pursues peace and chooses love over self-centeredness, they can work through almost any issue. If a couple is at war, most any issue can be a point of contention.

33. A couple can bless one another by creating a home atmosphere that is pleasant, inviting and warm. They will look forward to coming home after a long day at work.

34. A person with a demanding spirit often pushes his or her spouse away. Far too many people enter marriage determined that certain behaviors are not going to change. Consequently, that spouse continues to watch nonstop ball games, hunt every weekend, or shop every weekend.

35. Look for the good in another. Too many of us focus on the negative and the shortcomings we see in one another.

36. I can add something positive to the environment of my home by being pleasant and enjoyable to be around. When I am negative, pessimistic, and constantly griping, I am like a gray, dark cloud casting a shadow over the day.

37. Being hard on your spouse may produce the desired effect — for a time. In other words, you may get your way, thought, being demanding and overbearing often creates deep resentment and anger. Most of all, such attitudes do not create internal change.

38. Most of us would do well to think before we speak. There is no real merit in allowing every fleeting thought to come out of your mouth. Please don’t say, “I was just being honest.” Even honest speech needs discerning.

39. Every married human being is married to a sinner. A person can never meet the deepest needs of his/her spouse. Only God is capable of bringing completeness to a human being’s life.

40. Remember that you are married to God’s daughter or son. You know how you feel when someone mistreats one of your children. You also know how you feel when someone has been a blessing to one of your children. Think about how God might feel as he sees how you treat his child. What does he see in your house?

41. Every good moment you experience in your marriage is a gift of God. Don’t act as if you deserve these moments. Don’t act as if you are entitled. Christians understand that we are totally dependent on God’s grace. It is out of that grace that we have air, food, and, yes, the good moments of marriage.

Question

What would you include in this list that has not been covered in this series?


41 Things Married People Ought to Know (Part 3)

Which one of the statements can you best relate to?growing_plant.jpg

The following is part 3 of a series that I have entitled, “41 Things Married People Ought to Know.” (You can find part one here and part 2 here.) Most of these are lessons learned from being married and from observing others. I suspect you could add several to this list. Please consider leaving a comment with the statement you would add to these.

21. Marriage can be very satisfying and joyful. Believe it or not, many couples experience great pleasure in their marriages. There is great pleasure to be found in marriage through friendship, emotional connection, emotional intimacy and sexual joy.

22. Marriage is hard work. Marriage takes effort and requires one to be intentional. As married people, we depend upon the Lord for strength and perseverance through years of marriage. A very frustrated married person once asked me, “If this is right, why is it so hard?” Yet, simply because something is right does not mean that it will be easy. Jesus did the right thing and was led to the cross.

23. Marriage may sometimes be boring. Yes, the boredom needs to be addressed but its existence doesn’t always mean that you are in a crisis. Nor, does this mean that marriage is going to feel this way forever. The good news is that boredom is not fatal.

24. Beware of violating the privacy of your marriage by quoting your spouse (when you are away from him or her) in settings which would deeply hurt him or her if what you said became known. It is one thing to talk about your marriage with someone (a marriage and family therapist, minister, counselor, etc) who is trying to help you. It is quite another matter to reveal her words to the guys at work or your friends at Starbucks.

25. Dishonesty hurts a marriage. Husbands and wives must not rationalize the seemingly small dishonest moments. Far too many spouses practice dishonesty regarding money and spending. (For example, hiding the fact that you just spent hundreds of dollars on golf clubs or clothing.) Rationalizing these moments can pave the way for much bigger deceit.

26. Most affairs begin as friendships. Don’t think that saying “we are just friends” is going to cure the anxiety of an concerned spouse. This is expecially true when her intuitive warning alarm is already sounding.

27. Its not about you. Far too often our self centeredness takes over and begins to possess the marriage. When this happens, the “we” in the relationship may be ignored while one person focuses on the “me.”

28. Physical nakedness is one of the great joys of marriage. What can be frightening, however, is emotional nakedness. We make ourselves vulnerable before one another. Married people need to be very careful that they do not hurt their mates where they are vulnerable.

29. Have a vision of creating a marriage/family that is an island of health in a very dysfunctional, self-centered world. Such a vision will need great great help from the Lord if this is to become a reality.

30. Married people should cherish one another. You can tell when someone cherishes a television, a rod and reel, jewelry, etc. It is all in the way the person handles these things. Many us of may be underestimating the importance of cherishing our spouses.

Question:

Which one of these statements (above) can you best relate to? What would you add to this list?



41 Things Married People Ought to Know (Part 2)

The following are some reflections on marriage. Maybe you will find these useful. I would love to hear your comments regarding these. Please include in your comment what you would add to this list. (If you missed part one you can find it here.) marriage1.jpg

11. Many women have a low view of their body image. Today, in many ways they are being bombarded with the message that their bodies do not measure up. Television, movies, magazines all portray a certain type of body to be desired. These bodies tend to be tanned, very well proportioned and beautiful. Far too many women look at these images and see the flaws in their body. Too heavy. Too small. Too large.

12. Wonderful, satisfying sex in marriage is not based on performance. Rather, it is based on seeing sex as an outgrowth of an intimate relationship with one another. Far too many couples put tremendous pressure on one another because of the performance view of sex. Pornography feeds such a view. Beware! When one person is using pornography, there will often be an unrealistic, performance oriented view of marriage.

13. Many married couples have no idea how to handle their discretionary spending. Consequently, if the kids want something at the store and the parents know the money is in the bank, the kids get it. Meanwhile, the amount of credit card debt being accumulated by some couples is astounding.

14. Husbands and wives need to think about practical ways to give their mates pleasurable moments in the relationship. Such pleasure does not begin in the bedroom, but in small thoughtful moments. Great pleasure can be found in marriage.

15. Some men and women are very angry people. This unresolved anger may be the result of unresolved issues with parents, friends, or others that may go back many years but now this anger has deeply impacted their marriage.

16. Sex in marriage is enhanced by honesty and trust. It is difficult to let yourself go with complete abandon (sexually) when you or your mate has a pattern of deception.

17. Many people say they wish to have a “Christian” marriage. Yet, ultimately, this should mean that a husband and wife are allowing Christ to shape who they are both individually and as a couple.

18. Husbands who are too passive drive their wives nuts! Many guys are not mean, rude, obnoxious, etc. However, they are silent. These passive men put their wives in the position of always having to take the initiative. This can leave their wives feeling very much alone.

19. Husbands and wives need to take the long view of things. This vision takes much persistence and prayer. A spouse might reflect on the question: “What kind of married person do I wish to be in ten years?”

20. Decide that you will put positive energy into your marriage instead of draining the energy from your marriage.

Question

What would you add to this list?

41 Things Married People Ought to Know (Part 1)

Several years ago, I posted a list of a number of things I have learned about marriage from my own experience and observation. The following is an updated list. Hopefully you will find these helpful.

The following is the beginning of a list of 41 things married people ought to know:

1. Married people are called to move away from self-centeredness and toward self-lessness. The “self” has a way of getting in the way of a good marriage.

2. Jesus can be disruptive to a marriage and family. Why? One reason for this is because he challenges both husband and wife to pursue something larger than their individual happiness. Sometimes, a wife or husband will desire to pursue this larger vision (such as the kingdom of God) while the other person chooses to dig in his heels.

3. Married people can become very lazy with one another. As a result, the husband and wife may no longer cherish one another. Tenderness slips away.200911091414.jpg

4. Every marriage has some kind of atmosphere. Some marriages are marked by laughter and the enjoyment of life. Other marriages are marked by the deadly poison of negativity. This couple might spend large amounts of time griping and finding fault in one another. This creates a heavy, cloudy, joyless atmosphere.

5. Something is very wrong when a married couple claims a commitment to Jesus and belongs to a church, but they have never allowed Jesus to have any kind of practical impact on their marriage. Consequently, these people may be perceived as “spiritual” while at church, but in fact they are quite ungodly in the way they treat one another.    

6. Resentment and deeply held grudges are like a cancer. This relational cancer has a way of eating away at the very fiber of a marriage.

7. The bottom line in marriage is not personal happiness. The bottom line is holiness. (Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage) Christ followers allow God to use their marriage to help them become more like Jesus.

8. Marriage needs to be based on grace, not performance. A performance – based relationship is under great pressure. People feel they must perform at a certain level or they will not be loved by their spouse. As a result, many go through life feeling like they never measure up in the eyes of their mates.

9. Married people need to come to grips with the reality of the sin they are inflicting on one another. For example, consider these behaviors: harshness, rudeness, impatience, self-centeredness, pride, willfully inflicting pain, etc.

10. How utterly foolish for husbands or wives to run down their mates just to get a cheap laugh from friends.  What about the second most important commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself”? Is this the way mature men and women treat one another?

What would you add to this list?