Category: Self-Care

Read Only If You Are Busy

Busy.  That is the word that describes most of us.  We have a lot going on.  Much to do.  It may be your job.  It may be responsibilities with your children.  It may just be the culture in which we live.  

 
Not long ago, someone asked me what Charlotte and I were doing with our time now that our children are grown and either live away or are in college.  I didn’t have an answer.  Yes, it is very different.  No, I don’t see huge chunks of time where we have nothing to do.  We tend to be busy.

 
Henri Nouwen speaks an important word to such lifestyles.  Nouwen was born in Holland and served as a priest and psychologist.  He taught at several universities and wrote over twenty books before his death.  Most of these book have to do with the spiritual life.  Nouwen also worked at L’Arche, a community that serves the mentally handicapped.

 
In Making All Things New, he wrote the following.

To bring some solitude into our lives is one of the most necessary but also most difficult disciplines.  Even though we may have a deep desire for real solitude, we also experience a certain apprehension as we approach that solitary place and time.  As soon as we are alone, without people to talk with, books to read, TV to watch, or phone calls to make, an inner chaos opens up in us.  

 
This chaos can be so disturbing and so confusing that we can hardly wait to get busy again.  Entering a private room and shutting the door, therefore, does not mean that we immediately shut out all our inner doubts, anxieties, fears, bad memories, unresolved conflicts, angry feelings, and impulsive desires.  On the contrary, when we have removed our outer distractions, we often find that our inner distractions manifest themselves to us in full force….

 
This can make the discipline of solitude all the more important.  Solitude is not a spontaneous response to an occupied and preoccupied life.  There are too many reasons not to be alone.  Therefore we must begin by carefully planning some solitude.

 
Five or ten minutes a day may be all we can tolerate.  Perhaps we are ready for an hour every day, an afternoon every week, a day every month, or a week every year.  The amount of time will vary for each person according to temperament, age, job, lifestyle, and maturity.

 
But we do not take the spiritual life seriously if we do not set aside some time to be with God and listen to him… 

 
(Cited in Richard Foster’s Devotional Classics, pp. 95-96) 

Leadership, Exhaustion, and a Need for Rhythm

asleep.gifAlmost a dozen years ago, I was talking on the telephone with a good friend.  My friend serves as a consultant and friend to many churches.  He also knows many, many ministers who serve in a variety of roles.  My friend said, "What churches need are ministers who are normal, healthy, genuine people who are willing to deal with their own stuff."

 
Now that was not meant to be an exhaustive description of a good minister.  If you were to continue on in conversation with my friend, you would learn of the value he places on ministers being persons who are godly and who have good character.  My friend, however, was trying to make a point.  Far too often, ministers in churches model a lifestyle that is not healthy.

 
Many ministers and many churches place an inordinate value on busyness, activity, and noise.  I’m not talking about working hard.  That is a good thing!  No, I am talking about a lifestyle that places little value on rest.

 
Ruth Haley Barton in Leadership Journal (Winter 2007, pp. 101-103) writes:

When we keep pushing forward without taking adequate time for rest, our way of life may seem heroic, but there is a frenetic quality to our work that lacks true effectiveness because we lost the ability to be fully present.  Present to God and present to other people.  And we lost the ability to discern what is really needed in our situation.

 
The result can be ‘sloppy desperation,’ a mental and spiritual state in which we are just trying to get it all done.  And this prevents us from the quality of presence that delivers true insight and spiritual leadership.

How important!  For too many years, I thought in terms of just trying to get it done.  More to do?  Work harder and longer!  Some of this no doubt was centered in my own ego.  After all, we often value and stroke people who are enormously busy.  Yet, I don’t know that we are doing people a favor when what we model is a perpetual state of exhaustion.  (Do you relate to this?  I suspect that far too many of us are on this merry-go-round only to realize that we can’t find the "off" switch.)

 
Barton goes on to say:
 

One of the most important rhythms for those of us in ministry is to establish a constant back-and-forth motion between engagement and retreat.  We need regular times  to engage in the battle, giving our best energy to the task.  Then we need regular times when we step back to gain perspective, re-strategize, and tend our wounds — an inevitability of life in ministry. 

 
An occupational hazard for us in Christian ministry is that it can be hard to distinguish between the times we are "on," working for God, and times when we can just be with God to replenish our own soul….

Becoming a Lifelong Learner

CLOCK2.jpgWhen we lived in Alabama, I spent several hours a month at the library at the University of North Alabama.  Generally, I would spend part of that time skimming through the Sunday editions of the London Times and The New York Times.  Then I skimmed through a dozen or so of the most recent issues of popular magazines.  I was looking for themes, intriguing titles, and most anything that for some reason seemed interesting.  Some of these themes were found in articles. I saw other themes in advertisements.  I either made notes of these themes and ideas or copied entire articles.  Often, I would glance at the table of contents of a few journals (usually in the area of the social sciences) looking for certain themes or common threads.

 
I began this practice because I found it was stimulating.  I came away from the library those afternoons with seed thoughts, questions, and a theme or two that had my interest.   It was a good exercise for my mind.

 
My body needs regular exercise but so does my mind.  Yet, there are men and women who shut down long before their physical death.  I remember once visiting in the home of a couple who were in their mid-sixties.  There was something eerie about their house.  It was as if time had stopped a few decades earlier.  The furnishings, the pictures, everything about the house seemed to stop when their children finished college.  (That had been at least fifteen years earlier.)  To hear them talk, it was as if they had experienced the best years of their life and so now life was basically over.

 

  • Why is it that some 70-year-old people seem so alive while some 40-year-old people live in their recliners, mindlessly starring at the TV for hours and hours?
  • Why is it that some women laugh and enjoy life while their husbands seem miserable (and vice versa)?
  • Why is it that some adults continue to audit classes at the community college while others seem to have no interest in learning anything new? 
  • Why is it that some people in their 40s and 50s constantly talk about being "old" while some 60-year-old people seem energetic and full of life?
  • Why is it that some men and women seem to ask so few questions?
  • Why is it that some people continue to exercise and stay in good physical condition while others just let themselves go?
  • Why is it that some people have no interest in learning anything new?  Meanwhile, others seem to come alive with curiosity when they are in new territory.

    •  

I do not talk about "getting old."  On the other hand, I’m not trying to act as if I were younger than I am.  (No red sports car.  No new wife.  No radical change in dress.)  You’ve seen these men and women.  They have looked in the mirror and seem desperate to stay young.

 
What I would rather do is stay fully alive.  Alive even with an imperfect body.  Alive even with a changing landscape.  Alive even when there might be physical limitations.  After all, as a Christian, I have the very life of Christ in me through his Spirit.

 
As a human being, created by God, I want to be a good steward of all that is my life, for the remainder of my life.  I want to be a good steward of my time, my money, my body, and my mind.  In essence, I want to remain fully alive.

 
Have you noticed in your world the people who shut down long before their physical death?  Is there anything you do to help you remain fully alive? 

What Drives You?

stick.jpgIn his book Ministry in the Image of God, Stephen Seamands tells the story of Jack Frost (yes, that is his real name).  In former years, he was addicted to drugs, alcohol and pornography.  After he gave his life to Christ, he continued to struggle with a serious fear of failure that fueled an "aggressive striving."  Frost, in looking back at those years said, "It seemed to be perfectly natural to express my love for God by building my identity through hyper-religious activity.  Many of the Christians around me seemed to think the same way" (Jack Frost, Experiencing the Father’s Embrace, pp. 4-5).

 
Jack Frost became a minister.  He writes about the impact of his past on his life in a ministry role: 

My childhood filter system for earning love and acceptance translated ministry into an aggressive zeal to win souls and build the fastest growing church in our denominational district.

 
I wanted to look good to everybody.  But underneath the veneer of success, I was an unhappy man with a miserable family.  My commitment to "the ministry" was far greater than my commitment to my wife, my children or any other loving relationships.  When I was at home, I was irritable and impossible to get along with.  Everything I did was tainted with passive anger.

 
My countenance became stern and serious, and my preaching became legalistic and demanding….  I knew the theology of God’s love, but I had not experienced it in my relationships.  (Frost, pp. 5-6)

When I first read these lines, I thought about how valuable these thoughts are for anyone who is in ministry.  Not so.  I think any of us would do well to think about his reflections.  What is it that drives me?  What are my motivations?  What is there inside of me that makes me want to look good, competent, successful, strong, together, etc.?  Does this connect with you?

 
(To read more about Frost’s story, see Stephen Seamand’s Ministry in the Image of God, pp. 53-56.) 

I’m Concerned…

cup.jpgWhen I was growing up in a church, I never wanted to become a minister.  They all seemed to wear black suits and speak in a stained-glass voice.  That seemed so foreign to what was going on in my little world as a boy.  Besides that, what did these people do all day?  (I can remember wondering that.)  One thing for sure, they seemed to always be "nice."  Somehow I couldn’t imagine the stained-glass voice being a child and getting into trouble — at least not the way I seemed to get into trouble.

 
Now — years later — that is what I am.  Without the black suit for sure and hopefully without the stained-glass voice.

 
I’ve known a lot of people in ministry.  Most of these are good people who love God and want to serve him in their particular ministry.  Many have spent years in some form of training.  Seminary.  Graduate school.  Bible college.  Their libraries are filled with good books that relate to most every aspect of ministry, Scripture, and the history of those who have attempted to live out their lives as communities of faith. 

 
Yet, a number of these people are discouraged — very discouraged. There are probably many reasons for this. 

 
(Before going any farther, I want to acknowledge what many of you know all too well.  Some of these people have abused this calling.  They have treated people in ways that do not reflect the spirit or ethic of Jesus.  I realize there are some who have put self-interest ahead of their calling.  And yes, I am very concerned about immoral behavior.  While all of that is very real, I want to move in another direction in this post.)

 
So why might some be discouraged?  Here are a few big ones:

 
1.  Unrealistic expectations by people.  Some of these are unbelievable.  

 
2.  A sense of isolation and loneliness.  This can be even more intense when one is in a new place and away from family.  

 
3.  The expectation that one is to always be "nice."  (Yes, I do realize that some may have no problem with this one at all.  In fact, the problem may be on the other end.)  Yet, loving the body of Christ is not the same thing as being "nice."

 
4.  Money.  Yes, I read some of the same stories you do.  I read about some very visible television evangelists who are making a great deal of money.   Not so with many, many ministers — especially those in smaller churches.

 
Now obviously, many other callings and/or professions can have their own discouragements.  I don’t want to imply they don’t.  Nevertheless, in this post, I want to focus on ministers and their families.  The above four may just be part of the territory.  At the same time, I think it is important to at least acknowledge the struggle that many of these people face.   

 
In March, I will be speaking to a number of these people and would like to speak words of encouragement.  What do you think?  What would you say?  What might be important for these people to hear?   

Do We Want An Honest Church? (Part 3)

seattle.jpgIf we are going to be an honest church, we choose to live in reality and truth, not fantasy or deception.  So what does this mean for me as an individual?  What must I desire?    

 

I desire to be honest with God.  After all, God is honest.  Moving toward him will always be a move toward what is real and true.  Consequently, I desire to live in truth with God.  I want to live in his reality, not the fantasy world I create for myself.  I want to know how he views me and accept that view as an accurate vision of myself.  I want to know how he views my behavior.  Instead of spending my life hiding or running (as per Adam and Eve), I want to learn to repent.  To be honest with God about my sin, my failure, my darkness, etc. 

 

In my own journey, this has often been difficult.  At times, I have found myself unaware of my own need for repentance.  (Pride is a powerful way to avoid being honest with God.)  At other times, I have become painfully aware of my need for daily repentance.  Hearing others talk about their own struggles and sins is helpful.  Sometimes in our life group (small group that meets weekly), I will hear others talk and later on realize an area of my life that needs attention.  Journaling has also helped me with this.  I have kept a journal for many years.  Often, as I am writing, I will refer to an attitude or behavior regarding a particular situation.   In the process of writing this down, I become all too aware of  how wrong this attitude or behavior really is.

 

I desire to be honest with myself.  As I seek to be honest with God, I want to be honest with myself.  I want to see myself for who I really am — in God’s eyes.  I am loved and cherished deeply by God.  Yet, as a human being, I have experienced a brokenness.  In me, the tiny break began so long ago and now has become huge.  Today, I want to look in the mirror and see what is really there.  What might I see?

 

  • Hurt from what others have said in my past which formed the digital recordings in my mind.  These have been played over and over in my mind through the years.  These words from others so long ago may have shaped the way I see myself.
  • Wounds from unfair or wrong treatment by others.  Memories of embarrassment or even humiliation from years ago.
  • Fear of being humiliated, exposed, or being abandoned by loved ones. 

As a part of an honest church, I want to be aware of these things in me and deal with them with God’s healing and redemptive love.  Far too many of us live in reaction to our wounds.  As a result, our actions are guided by our anger or fear.  A very wise minister told me years ago that the best thing a minister can do for a church is to deal with his own "stuff."  In other words, when I am dealing with the reality of my own life, I am actually blessing those around me.  (This piece of advice has been extremely helpful and important to me for many years.)

 

I desire to be honest with others.  One dimension of living as a part of an honest church is to relate to one another in love.  In other words, I seek to relate to others with a sense of authenticity and genuineness.  No hidden agenda.  No double life.  Just real.  Yet, I am called to live in this reality with a genuine love and care for the people I deal with. 

 

Being honest with others means that I refuse to be a manipulator.  I refuse to use people for my own purposes.  I refuse to get other people upset over something that bothers me and then use them to confront someone else while I lay low.  I refuse to kiss up to people in their presence and then destroy them in their absence.

 

Being honest with others means that I think about what I am saying about my friends in their absence.  Would I want them to know what I just said about them?  Do I talk one way about certain people when they are present and then run them down when they are not around?  Being honest with others means that I love them both in their presence and in their absence.

 

What else would you add to this kind of honesty with God, self, and other people? 

Do We Want An Honest Church? (Part 2)

scale.jpgI am still thinking about the idea of experiencing a church that practices more honesty.  Thanks for your comments yesterday.  What you said was helpful and caused me to give more thought to this. 

 

As I think about the question "Do We Want An Honest Church," I wonder what the implications are for individual believers?  Here are a few examples of situations that are not all that unusual:

 

  • A couple is a part of a church for over five years.  They are very involved in the life of that church.  One week they vanish only to never return to that church.  No explanation given.  Just gone.
  • A very tender hearted man has such a passion to help and serve the poor, yet in the late evenings he is glued to his computer watching the pornography that he has downloaded.
  • A family has been very vocal about their displeasure over a new building project the church has taken on.  While expressing their opinion very strongly, they have baffled a number of families in the church.  They are baffled because this family has borrowed money from them (from a number of different families) and now refuses to repay this debt.  To these families, this seems very inconsistent.
  • A woman lives with memories of physical and sexual abuse brought on by a relative who is still a very "involved" member of his church.  The abuse has never been revealed.
  • A family who has been a part of a church for many years never talks about their son.  He has a long drug history.  In their words, "The people at our church would not understand such a thing."  In other words, they can’t be honest.
  • A church leader is vocal within the church about the need for the church to be loving.  Yet, he is widely known at the plant where he works as being lazy to the point of causing a hardship on his co-workers.

All of these situations could probably use a very healthy (better yet, "godly") dose of honesty.  But let me move ahead with this a bit.  

 

What does a healthy church look like?  What is a church like that lives and breathes honesty?  I really want to lean in a practical direction here.  What do you see or experience in such a community?  I really value your ideas and suggestions on this one.  As I think about this, it seems to me that an honest church is a place…


  • Where men and women attempt to see themselves as God sees them rather than live with false notions about themselves.  That is, they tell themselves the truth.
  • Where men and women tell the truth to one another as they describe the realities of God, the Bible, life, and the life of the church.
  • Where men and women confess sin regularly and often. Where confession is not reserved for the scandalous behaviors but is a regular part of prayer and life in the body of Christ.  They tell God the truth.
  • Where men and women simply deal with life as it is instead of trying to manipulate others and putting a positive spin on the mess we are in.
  • Where authenticity is not measured by whether or not one gets an A or B in their "Christian performance" for the week.  Rather, authenticity comes from the heart of a person who wants to become like Jesus.
  • Where men and women can find a friend who will love them, listen to them, and tell them the truth even if it isn’t what we want to hear.

What would you add to this list?

What Will We Learn? (Sexual Sin)

coffee.jpg
Many of us have been following the recent sad story of Ted Haggard.  Haggard, who has been serving as the President of the National Association for Evangelicals as well as pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs, has admitted to sexual sin.  A statement regarding his dismissal from the church was released by the New Life Church.  Yesterday, a statement written by him was read to the congregation.  You may wish to read the statement for yourself.  A statement by his wife, Gayle, was also read.  You can read some of the most recent developments in the Denver Post.

 

Again, this is quite a sad story.  Like many of you, I have watched as all of this has unfolded.  For me, this becomes a reminder to remember words from Scripture.

"So if you think you are standing, watch out that you do not fall" (I Corinthians 10:12). 

How do I think about this sad news so that my relationship with Jesus is strengthened?

 

1.  I don’t want to be overly confident about my own walk with Jesus.  I don’t want get to a point where I am no longer "watching out."  Such an attitude on my part would be terribly naive.  Yet, there are men and women who seem to think they are "above" temptation.  That is dangerous.

 

2.  This reminds me to be faithful in the "little things."  Most people I have talked with through the years don’t wake up one morning and decide to commit some act of sexual immorality.  Most people I know began making some very unwise (at best) or even downright foolish decisions.  An inappropriate e-mail.  A conversation that was out of bounds.  Playing with pornography, etc.  I want to live in such a way that there is nothing hidden.  That begins with the "little things" like e-mail, cell phone conversations, etc.  So many people I’ve known compromised in these "little things" long before the train wreck.  

 

3.  Eighteen years ago, Leadership Journal published a list of consequences compiled by Randy Alcorn.  This list was entitled "Consequences of a Moral Tumble."  I recall reading these and then adding to this list.  Periodically I have reflected on this list.  "If I commit sexual sin, here are some of the consequences…"  I have thought about the impact that might have on my wife, my two daughters, and now my son-in-law.  I have thought of the impact on my friends.  I have thought about the impact on the church.  Occasionally thinking about such consequences reminds me that my decisions and my life impact people I care about.  

 

4.  This story is a reminder of my own need for godly relationships with a few other godly men.  I am thinking about a few friendships in which we talk about our relationship with God — with honesty.  Far too many of us live in isolation.  (Far too many ministers live isolated lives.  We may live without any real sense of accountability.)  

 

5.  I am thinking right now about the importance of humility in my life.  I have been married for 28 years and have never been unfaithful to my wife.  HOWEVER, it is very important that I not be prideful about that.  I don’t dare say that as a boast.  That is by the grace of God, and future fidelity will be by the grace of God.  So, I want to live with humility before God.

 

6.  Finally, I need to stay very near to Jesus.  Every day, I need to think about the treasure I have in him.  When I get lax about this treasure, it is very easy for my heart to drift.  I can begin to place a greater value on other things.  So, I want to guard my time in prayer, Scripture, and other disciplines that move me toward him.

 

I realize there is much to be said about this story on a number of levels. However, in this post, I primarily wanted to reflect on my own life.  What do you think?  Is there any reminder here for your own walk with God?
 
May God have mercy on us all.

Who’s In Charge, Anyway?

southern_ocean_storm_000.jpgYou know fear.  That jagged, raw edge of fear.  Your stomach draws up in knots.  Adrenaline surges through your veins.  You may know what it is to experience a
constant anxiety.  Maybe you have become a brooding
worrier.  You fear that things won’t work
out. Some fears happen during
the storms we face (Mark 4:38-40).  Then, there are the
fears that occur after the storm
(4:41), when we reflect on what we have been going through.

 

We could make quite a lists of things that elicit fear in us:

  • Cancer
  • An unwanted divorce
  • The death of one of our children
  • The death of a parent
  • Financial ruin
  • Loss of a job
  • The end of an enjoyable career
  • Having to live with chronic pain
  • Being seen as incompetent
  • Hearing that there has been another terrorist attack in our country

 

Yet, there are other fears we have that may not seem quite as intense as some of the situations above.  I think what so many of us fear is a complete loss of control.  

 

You’ve been around the control freak haven’t you?  At times, you may almost feel smothered by someone trying very hard to manage every detail of a situation.  And, there are often people who would love to manage the details of your life.  If you balk at their attempt to manage your life, they might try to couch the situation as an attitude problem on your part.  

 

Some of the anger and resentment that can be found in many ministers can sometimes be traced back to years of passively allowing other people to micro-manage their lives.  When the minister has few or even no boundaries, such people are then allowed to take over their lives. 

 

Very often the spouse of this minister as well as the children begins to resent this, which only creates more problems later.  Years ago, one of my children was in a Bible class in which she was singled out by a teacher.  "You ought to know this answer.  You are the preacher’s daughter."  Hmmm.  That week, I went to this woman and had to draw some boundaries.  I told her, "When you do that, you don’t help my daughter at all.  She feels ‘different.’  You also complicate my life as a parent.  Please do not ever refer to her as ‘the preacher’s daughter’ in class again."  She was very gracious and received that very well.  (She just wasn’t thinking about the implications of her words.)   

 

Yet, some ministers and other church leaders are really into control as well.  There is quite a difference in leadership and control.  Churches need leadership.  Churches do not need people who are trying to control the thinking and behavior of people.  (I’m not saying a church should not hold to its view of biblical doctrine or have certain ethical standards.  I’m talking about trying to control and manipulate others.)

 

The good news about Jesus is that he is the only head of the church.  He is the one in charge.  He is in complete control.  Yet, sometimes, we want to take over.  After all, isn’t he asleep in the back of the boat (Mark 4:35-41)?  The truth, however, is that he will hear our prayers.  He is not far away. 

 

Does any of this speak to you?  Have you had to deal with people who seemed to want to control or manage you?  How have you dealt with that?

Just Living or Fully Alive?

clock.jpgToday, being Friday, I’m off.  Or, at least I am home.  I’m not complaining.  I’m very grateful just to be home.  

 

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about staying fresh and alive for the next twenty years.  I am 53 years old.  Not a bad age to be.  In fact, I am really enjoying this time of life.  I’m blessed with good health and have a great family.  However, I would be less than honest if I didn’t tell you there are reasons to pay attention to this time of life.

 

This is what I have seen:
 

  • Mid-life men who get overly focused on retirement.  They are not thinking about moving into a new line of work or a new cause.  Their idea of retirement is to do absolutely nothing but play.  Probably a nice prescription for an early death (physically and/or mentally).

  • Some people at mid-life find themselves a new "honey."  As a result, a marriage dissolves.  Children are heartbroken.  Friendships are damaged or even destroyed.  Meanwhile, this man or woman believes this is his or her shot at "happiness."  (By the way, as you get attached to another person, your own dissatisfaction with your mate increases, giving you even more rationalization for the mess you are creating.)

  • Some people get focused on being "old."  They talk about being old.  They keep referring to their age.  Instead of living now, they seem to think that life has already happened.

  • Other people just get boring.  These people are no fun to be around.  They stop learning and growing.  Their mental, emotional, and spiritual clocks stop.  The only clock that seems to be ticking is their physical one.

Do you know why I am glad to be my age and alive?  It is because I know life doesn’t have to turn out like the previous descriptions.  A person can be fully alive at any age.  I’ve seen 70-year-olds who are full of life and passion while I’ve seen 40-year-olds who are beginning to shut down.  Please don’t misunderstand.  I don’t have this all figured out.  I’ve never done this before.  I’m just trying to learn.   But I think that’s okay.

 

God did not create a human being to live for a few years and then settle for mere existence.  I want to remain fully alive all my life.  For me, that is more than just an attitude.  It reflects my appreciation for what God is doing in my life right now and will continue to do in the future.  Like you, I have no idea what that future might look like.  Rather than sit around and wait for my clock to stop ticking, I think I would prefer to stay fully alive. 

 

Just thinking.