Category: Ministry Inside

Ministry Inside.110

quitHave you been tempted to quit?

Many of us have considered quitting at one time or another.  After all, serving in a ministry role can be very, very difficult.  In fact, there may be times that are so grueling you may wonder what you got yourself into.

Why would a minister and his family consider leaving a “full-time” ministry role?

1.  Relentless criticism from members of the congregation.  Many people in ministry roles understand that criticism comes with this work.  However, some criticism can be deeply hurtful and debilitating.  A minister may experience great pain and frustration when some in a congregation criticize his children or his spouse.  The same is true when criticism is aimed toward one’s personality or even his integrity.

2.  Disappointment that one experiences in a congregation.  Serving in a ministry role with a congregation often means that a person will become aware of some of the wonderful ways in which members quietly serve the Lord.  However, this can also mean that one is now exposed to some very nasty attitudes.  Perhaps this minister or elder even admired these people at one time.  Now, however, this church leader is witnessing another side of this church member.

3.  Financial stress.  Sometimes congregations do not provide adequate financial support to their ministers.  Consequently, some ministers and their families feel constant stress due to their financial situation.  Ministers may feel like they can not share this burden with their elder group or friends within the church lest their motives be misconstrued.  Consequently, these families bear this stress alone.  Yes, I know that some ministry families put themselves into debt due to unwise financial decisions and undisciplined spending.  However, some are simply trying to live on an income that is inadequate.

4.  Loneliness and isolation.  Some church leaders (ministers, elders, pastors, and many, many others) feel lonely and isolated.  They find that their friends really don’t understand the work they do or the pressures they are under.  Complicating this even more is the reality that some ministers often feel geographically isolated from their extended families due to their location.

 

Question:

What are some other reasons that might cause a church leader to consider leaving a particular ministry role?

Ministry Inside.109

busy-bodies-need-massageWhen a minister is young, it is very tempting to rely on raw energy to carry one through the day.  You find that you can get up early in the morning, preach a funeral, do marriage counseling with a couple and then stay up late after a long elder’s meeting. Eventually, you may learn that such a lifestyle is not sustainable over the long term.

A minister (or any other church leader) can become drained and disillusioned. Such depletion is hazardous for any kind of long-term ministry.

Do you relate to any of the following three conditions?

1.  Some of us become consumed by our own busyness. We may finally realize that we are drained.

Many of us live with the nagging sense of the unfinished. There is always something to be remembered. Something to be done. Something to be said. With 24/7 accessibility (due to our communication devices), we may find that we are always doing something related to our work.  We often find it very difficult to be fully present. Yes, I am in a conversation but my phone is ringing, another text message has arrived, and e-mail is here.

Some time ago I heard a person say she was thankful she always ate fruit for breakfast because she didn’t have to sit down to eat. That may not mean much on the surface; however, her whole family lives a driven, pressure-filled lifestyle.

2.  Some of us become controlled by the urgent.

Life becomes moving from event to event. Some families rarely even eat meals together anymore.

Not only being occupied but also being preoccupied is highly encouraged in our society. The way in which newspaper, radio, and TV communicate their news to us creates an atmosphere of constant emergency. The excited voices of reporters, the preference for gruesome accidents, cruel crimes, and perverted behavior, in the hour to hour coverage of human misery at home and abroad slowly engulfs us with an all pervasive sense of impending doom.   On top of this bad news is the avalanche of advertisements. We live much like a logger who is doing poorly at cutting down the tree but was too busy to sharpen his ax.  (Henri Nouwen, Making All Things New)

3.  Some of us become bored and may even become disillusioned.

Perhaps you are very busy but wonder if what you are doing really makes any difference. You are busy with ministry, but wonder if it really counts. Do these things really matter?

Consequently, you may become bored and depressed.  This often occurs when the requirements of our work do not match our creative potential.  In other words, it seems that my work has lost its meaning.

Beneath all the accomplishments of our time, there is a deep amount of despair. While efficiency and control are the great aspirations of our society, the loneliness, isolation, lack of friendship and intimacy … and a deep sense of uselessness fills the hearts of millions of people in our success-oriented world.  (Henri Nouwen, Making All Things New)

 

Question: 

What is there about ministry that makes it particularly difficult to deal with one’s own busyness?

Ministry Inside.108

brown-nosing-1Affirming or kissing up to?

You’ve seen this person.  In fact, you may have known him.  This is a minister, elder, or other church leader who kisses up to others.  Some think he is a great guy.  “We need more people in this church (or organization) with an attitude like John’s!”  However, you know the truth.  You know that when others are not present, John regularly mocks, belittles, and even slanders them.

There is a big difference in kissing up to someone and in expressing genuine words of affirmation.

A person kissing up to someone:

1.  Will say one thing in front of church members (or others) and then behave totally different when only close friends are present.

2.  Will gripe about the elders during the week and then fawn them with praise in the elders meeting.

3.  Will say most anything to someone if it gives an advantage.

4.  Will publicly say good and kind words to another if he believes it will provide personal advantage.

This person is all about gaining a personal advantage.

What she says may sound very positive and even encouraging; however, over the course of time, one eventually realizes that the motive for doing so is to her own advantage not the encouragement of another.  In other words, he or she is attempting to manipulate another not love another.

Meanwhile, the person who expresses genuine words of affirmation is not seeking anything for himself. Rather, he is seeking the best for another person.  When one affirms the good in another, it is a way of loving that person enough to point out what is good and right in what the person has said or done.

Unfortunately, far too many people know what it is to deal with manipulators.  Manipulators have a way of draining the life out of people and organizations.

On the other hand, people who genuinely affirm others are life givers.  They have a way of blessing and encouraging others in ways that are not soon forgotten.

Which kind of person will we be?

 

Question:

Who in your life needs to hear specific, detailed words of affirmation from you this week?

 

Ministry Inside.107

impression logo2Why did she say that?

Why would he post that picture on Facebook?

Why is he so insulting?

What Christian leaders say and do really does form an impression. In fact, you cannot keep from creating some kind of impression.

Consider for a moment what contributes to another’s impression of you.

This is important because we – due to our own behavior – either enhance or diminish our credibility in the eyes of others.

Consider the following.

  • My attitude. Am I pleasant to be with? Or, is my attitude negative, whiny, and sarcastic?
  • My attention. Do I give my spouse, my friends, and others my undivided attention? Or, am I constantly staring at my iPhone or iPad screen in their presence?
  • My presence. Do I communicate to others that I am glad to be with them? Or, do I sigh deeply and communicate in passive-aggressive ways that I really don’t want to be with these people?
  • My decisions. Do my decisions suggest that I am a very different kind of person when I am not in front of people in my ministry? Or, do my decisions reflect that I want to live a consistent life in every way?
  • My online presence. Do my words and pictures online reflect that I follow Christ?  Or, do my Facebook posts and pictures cause others to wonder?

So, who am I? I can tell you what I value and what is important to me; however, what these five reveal may be much closer to reality.

Question:

What has been helpful to you as you consider your own influence and credibility before others?

Ministry Inside.106

generosity3 (2)How generous are you?

I was once in a conversation with a minister I admired.  He worked hard, loved his congregation, and was seemingly very productive.  One day he and I were discussing a sermon I was preparing to preach.  He made a suggestion and then offered a particular perspective on the subject of my sermon.  I asked him where I could read more about this perspective.  He said, “I could tell you but then I would be revealing my sources and I can’t do that.”

To the contrary, I believe that Christian leaders would do well to be generous.  In fact, I believe there is nothing to be lost by being generous.  The result is that you get to participate in adding value to others’ lives.

Four suggestions.

1.  Be generous with your friends.

If you are a Christian leader and you are at a gathering of some kind, why not introduce your friends to one another.  This can be particularly helpful to younger ministers or ministers who have not had the opportunity to get acquainted with other Christian leaders.

I will always remember a moment with my friend Ken Dye.  Ken and I were talking at a function at ACU when he then greeted Dan Anders who preached for the University Church of Christ that met on the campus of Pepperdine University.  Ken then introduced me to Dan.  Dan and I went to lunch and began a friendship that lasted for the rest of his life.

2.  Be generous with your resources.

Share what you have!  That is the least I can do.  After all, so many ministers have shared books, articles, website addresses, etc. with me.  I am willing to share what I have.  If this allows me to add value to someone’s ministry, that is wonderful.

3.  Be generous with your praise and affirmation.

Pay attention and catch people doing things that are good, right, and noble.  Look for opportunities to praise and affirm another.  I especially want to do this for those I suspect receive very little praise or affirmation.  I have found that with most people, if you will look long enough, you will see something that you can affirm.

4.  Be generous with your attention.

This means that I need to put some energy into listening to others.  Suppose for example that you have the opportunity to get together with another minister over coffee.  What do you talk about?  Are you prepared to ask good questions?  Too many people use such a situation to go on and on about themselves.

I recall once having coffee with an older minister.  I was a young minister and had hoped to ask him some questions about ministry.  We got our coffee and then he began to talk.  He talked and talked about himself.  He talked about his church, the book he was writing, and where he was going to speak.  I think he may have asked me one question the entire time we were together.

Question:

How has someone else’s generosity blessed you?

 

Ministry Inside.103

I watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” every December. George Bailey had many dreams but they were put on hold for the sake of others. He lives in Bedford Falls with his family, trying to keep the Building and Loan afloat.

At one point, he realizes that he is in serious trouble.  He wishes he had never been born. He is given the opportunity to see what his community would have been like if he had never existed.

He is able to see how much his life has impacted some many people in his family, his town, and beyond.  He really has lived a wonderful life.

Many, many Christian leaders vastly underestimate how God is using them.  So often we think about what we are lacking.  We focus on the deficiencies in our churches and in our own lives.

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Ministry Inside.102

Stress2Under Stress?

Sometimes ministry can be very stressful.  It may be conflict with a staff member or a few of the elders. Or, perhaps you are under stress due to the church’s financial problems.  Maybe there has been an incident in the church that has become very, very draining.

Sometimes when we become stressed, we either over-function or under-function.  If I over-function, I may begin to feel like the solution to this problem is entirely up to me.  There is a sense in which I feel like I am carrying the weight of this problem on my shoulders.

That can be a real problem, especially when I begin taking responsibility for the behavior of others.  It is like a parent who feels guilty because her college student son (who is away from home studying at the university) makes poor grades.  The college student is responsible for these grades, yet his mother is shouldering the anxiety for those grades herself.  The mother seems to want good grades more than her son does.

Ministers and other church leaders who over-function often bear stress and anxiety that others ought to be carrying.  Consequently, if someone drops the ball and does not follow through on their responsibility, these over-functioners will quickly fix the problem themselves (sometimes through clenched teeth).  In times of great stress, the over-functioners often become incredibly exhausted and anxious.

Or, perhaps a person in the elder group over-functions.  When members of the congregation come to that elder with their anxiety, he takes on the anxiety and they walk away.

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Ministry Inside.101

top 10Top 10 Suggestions for Beginning the New Year           

The following are 10 suggestions for the upcoming new year.  While I am writing these with church leaders in mind, some of these may be applicable to most anyone.  (These are not listed in order of importance.) 

1.  Pay attention to the basics.  Walking with Jesus takes place during the ordinariness of life.  Loving God and loving others are huge.  Read Scripture.  Pray daily.  Be a godly person.

2.  Love the congregation.  If you don’t, it really won’t matter what else you do.

3.  Stop waiting to be appreciated.  Probably some people in your church really appreciate you but rarely, if ever, express it.  On the other hand, other people in your church may have little appreciation for you.  Yet, they too may rarely, if ever, express it.  Don’t let your sense of well-being come from others.

4.  If you feel isolated and alone, recognize that such feelings over a long period of time can make you vulnerable to temptations that seem to provide an escape.  There are tragic stories of people who have sought refuge through pornography, gambling, drugs/alcohol, and adultery.

5.  Be real.  Realness is not using a public platform to express every doubt, feeling, or anxiety. Rather, it is endeavoring to be an authentic person both publicly and privately.

6.  Guard your heart.  Remember that life’s train wrecks don’t begin with someone doing something stupid.  They usually begin long before that.  They begin with what is happening in that person’s heart.

7.  Pay attention to what you are feeling.  Many people pay no attention to their feelings.  (I didn’t for many years.)  Are you feeling angry?  Sad?  Depressed?  Discouraged?  Betrayed?  When these persistent feelings are not acknowledged and dealt with, they can surface and express themselves in ways that are negative and even destructive.

8.  Check your attitude.  Listen, attitude is everything!  You can be gifted, intelligent, and skillful. However, your attitude can sink you!  Years ago, I had a conversation with a minister regarding his frustration with his life and ministry.  He was frustrated because other congregations who were looking for a minister seemed to have no interest in talking with him.  Later on, after reflecting on the conversation, I am convinced that what probably hurt him the most with these possibilities was his negative attitude.  Perhaps his regular use of biting sarcasm was getting in the way.

9.  Evaluate the gap between what you are privately and what you are publicly.  This is huge.  Far too many people (including church leaders) worry more about their image than their character.  That is, they are more concerned about how they are perceived by others than what they are when no one is looking.  Address the gap and refuse to rationalize.

10. Claim God’s forgiving and sustaining grace.  2013 can be a fresh beginning.  Thank God for his gracious forgiveness.  Believe that his grace is sufficient for you as you begin a new year.

Ministry Inside.99

mask_photography4But what will people think?

Years ago, Charlotte and I were walking across a parking lot of a large church building in Kansas City.  We had an appointment with a marriage therapist.  This was our first visit with him.

I was nervous.

I was nervous that someone who I knew might see me.   I was nervous they would find out that we were going to a counselor to talk about our marriage.

The truth is that I was more concerned about how we looked, than the reality of our our lives.

No, we were not in a crisis.  We were not dealing with any sort of trauma or disaster within our marriage.  But, we were dealing with an important issue.

We were stuck.

We knew we needed to make some real adjustments but we were unsure what to do.

Yet, I was not as concerned at that moment about addressing those realities as I was the appearance.  I was more concerned about the possibility of another’s perception than the reality of our relationship.

This is not a good place to be.  In fact, it is embarrassing to think about this now.  Yet, sometimes church leaders can find themselves worrying more about a possible perception instead of addressing the reality of their lives.

Unfortunately, this can get even worse.  Church leaders can attempt to control and shut down what their family members are actually experiencing.

Church leaders can communicate to their families that they need to act like everything is ok, even when it isn’t. There are some real consequences to this behavior. 

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Ministry Inside.95

talkWhat is the #1 way many ministers sabotage their ministry?

A loose and undisciplined mouth.

Years ago, I was teaching a Wednesday evening class at our church.  The class was about to begin.  A woman was still talking as I attempted to start this class.  I said something about her to the group, thinking it would be funny.  Everyone laughed.  Well, almost everyone.  She did not laugh.  In fact, the next day she called me and wanted to visit for a few minutes.  My words had hurt her.  They brought up memories of earlier humiliations in her life.  Now, in front of everyone, her minister had embarrassed and humiliated her.

I felt awful.  To get a quick laugh, I spoke without thinking.  I really wished for a do-over.

Trust is everything in ministry.  Ministers are people who have a great opportunity to help someone learn what it means to live as a Christ-follower.  Yet, that trust is diminished when people witness that our speech is undisciplined.  If we are not careful, we can speak in ways that are inappropriate, thoughtless, and even un-Christlike.

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