When Lies Are Replayed — Over and Over Again
- Published
- in Spiritual Life
Where do these messages come from? For many of us, these lies are a part of the "golden oldies." Maybe you have a radio station like this in your area. They play music from earlier years. When I hear this music, I remember high school years and early college years. Occasionally, I go to this station and hear one more round of groups like the Beatles; Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young; and early James Taylor. Such groups bring back a lot of memories.
Some of us hear old messages from long ago that are not so "golden." These are messages that may be stored within the recesses of our brains but we replay over and over again. Many of these messages are faulty. Some are just downright lies.
Some examples of such messages?
You will never really amount to much. (Don’t even think about going beyond what any of us — family or friends — have experienced.)
You can’t do it. (Too many obstacles for you. Why, how will you ever….?)
You are not really worthy of being loved. (Think about some of the things you’ve done. How could you ever really be loved by God after what you did on that trip a few years ago? What about the time you ….)
You must keep up with everyone else. (What would people think if you drove an old car like that or if you lived in a smaller house than your friends? Why, you don’t want them to think that you are not successful, do you?)
You must make sure people always think well of you. (After all, you don’t want them to think you are lacking in any way. You don’t want them to think that you are not as successful as someone else, do you?)
Do any or all of these internal conversations sound familiar?
Some years ago, when we were still living in Kansas City, I was meeting with a fine Christian counselor every other week. At the time, I was in a seriously conflicted church situation and found this person to be very helpful in this time of high stress.
I recall talking with him one day and mentioning to him that I had received a compliment regarding my work from a man I greatly admired. I must have gone on and on about how much it meant to me. Finally he said, "Why is this so important to you? I know it is nice to receive a compliment from someone you admire and respect, but this seems way too important to you."
That one comment was so helpful. Why? Because I began to realize that I had been listening to a message that I had replayed again and again in my mind for many years. The message?
You are only okay if another recognizes you or affirms you. If you do not receive a "well done," then you are not doing well in your work or in this life.
Without really being conscious of this, I had rehearsed this message repeatedly through the years. The conversation that day in this counselor’s office helped me identify a lie that was interfering with my life. I became aware of this lie that I had believed and had been listening to repeatedly. At that point, I began to think about the implications of believing such a statement. I also began to think about a true statement that better described the reality of my life than that one.
It could be that none of this relates to you at all. Yet, I have a hunch that more of us believe these lies than we admit — or even realize.
It is troubling how often we let the approval or disapproval of man determine our outlook and view of ourselves, even our sense of self-worth. Unfortunately, we don’t outgrow peer pressure when we graduate high school. The older I get, the more comfortable I become with myself and the less that others’ opinons about me matter to me…but that does not mean that I don’t still struggle with wanting that approval.
Speaking the truth on this one! People often only live up to what others think of them when they are able to do so much more.
I still struggle with that lie. I think deep down it has something to do with the fact that we’re programmed to live off of grace, not just from God, but from each other. It’s not enough for us to simply know another or love another, we desperately want to be known and loved. Of course, the world’s a mess and we’re scared out of our wits of each other (why else to do we have locks on our doors and dead bolts on our hearts?). We jump through hoops to generate (earn ?) a bit of grace from the other person, when we should be so filled with it (in a future world) that we’re safe and content. I notice this in myself in the most subtle ways. I’ll be walking through the mall, and sometimes look into the face of women, not to see if they’re attractive, but to see if they think I am. That’s tragically superficial but it comes from a deeper need, a need that is ultimately satisfied only by the grace of God in Christ. The discipline of solitude is excellent for noticing this need and finding grace to tame it. If when we’re alone we find an urge to connect with someone NOW it might be that our flesh needs affirmation in the company of other humans. If we allow God to affirm us first and thoroughly, then when in the company of others we’ll settle down and be in a condition in which we can give an ounce of grace without demanding a pound in return.
Very thought provoking stuff, Jim. Thank you.
McGee’s The Search for Significance continues to be very revelant to a large portion of churches and Christians who get their significance from how they perform or what others think of them rather than God’s abiding love for them.
Peace.
Jim:
Well said.
Thanks Allan.Thanks Steve. I read that book some time ago and had actually forgotten about it. As I recall, it was a good book.Ben– Your phrase, "…locks on our doors and deadbolts on our hearts" is very sobering. In particular the "deadbolts."Thanks Lisa. Thank you Matt.
Absolutely a common issue for me. And it is often, I believe, the Enemy telling us the lies, as he is the father of lies. I think the best solution always is filling ourselves with Truth from scripture. I think the result of believing the lies is to continue struggling with sin, something I wrote about a while back.
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