A woman chooses a spouse. Her friends are shocked at her choice. She always said that she would marry someone godly and mature. Now she has begun to rationalize. She is convinced that “he has a good heart” and the potential to change. Besides “He’s cute!”
A minister chooses a new congregation. His minister friends are stunned by his choice. He always said that he wanted to serve a church that was more of a fit than his previous congregation. At this point, however, he has begun to rationalize. He is convinced that the elders in the new congregation are more serious than ever about reaching people in the city. He believes they have the potential to change from what they have been. Perhaps. It might do him well to pay attention to their history.
Some people choose poorly again and again.
When I was in graduate school, I took a number of marriage and family therapy classes. I recall a lecture from one of my favorite professors as he talked about the importance of choosing well.
He said, “When it comes to marriage some people make bad choices again and again.” I would argue that the same is true for some ministers. Some ministers, repeatedly, make very bad choices regarding the churches they agree to serve.
Perhaps some self-reflection and self-awareness might be helpful in making these choices.
“What is there in me that causes me to continue to make very poor choices regarding my relationships?”
Or, as a minister, I might be more discretionary and steer away from choosing a church that is a poor fit and dysfunctional. Yet there are people who almost seem to be most satisfied when there is some kind of drama going on. Could it be that drama feeds something within me? Or, perhaps I am just choosing poorly.
What can you do to choose well?
- Listen to the wise and godly people in your life. Refusing to listen to the wise and godly people in your life is like driving down the expressway at 60 mph with your eyes closed so you don’t have to see potential problems.
- Don’t let desperation cause you to lower your standards and jump into something unwise. Many people have made hasty decisions only to eventually experience even more pain and heartache.
- Listen to the people who really love you. What do the people who love you say about the relationship that you are about to step into? If you are becoming defensive with these people, what is happening within you for you to react this way.
- Let new relationships be based on history, not potential. So many women marry men based on potential. Sometimes, a woman marries a man and he then becomes her project to encourage and prod that he might reach his potential. Likewise, some ministers do the same when they agree to serve a congregation because of potential, while ignoring its history. A person’s history or a church’s history is a more accurate gauge of what they are apt to be like in the future.
Of course, one can choose well and it is still no guarantee that marriage or the ministry will be full of joy and peace. One can choose well and others can later make choices which may end up being destructive and hurtful. We can, however, seek to choose with wisdom and good discernment. Even then, we bring these big decisions before the Father in prayer.