Does This Family Look Familiar? (Part 2)

fracturedfamily.jpgI wrote yesterday regarding tired and exhausted families.  This is something I am very concerned about.  In particular, our children often pay the price for such a lifestyle (several mentioned this in their comments yesterday).

Our lifestyles are often fast, furious, and exhausting.  We are like speed boats, moving quickly but not traveling very deeply.  Consequently, we are conditioned to merely skim the surface of experience and then move on to something new.  Eventually, however, such a pace takes it toll on our relationships, our bodies, and the human spirit.  In quieter moments we may finally realize how stressed we are, how alone we feel, and how exhausted we have become.  Our mania for keeping busy has left little time to pray, to think, and to meditate on God’s Word.

We live in a culture in which the effective use of time is often judged by speed and productivity.   How much can we get done in the allotted amount of time?  How many activities can we do?  Our children may want to be on a particular team, be involved in a particular program at school, and/or participate in a special production of some kind (perhaps drama or music).  How much is good for our children and when do these activities become overwhelming to them individually and to our family as a whole?    

Just a few years ago, our children were school-age and we were faced with many time-related decisions.  Our children were involved in sports and a few other activities at school.  Charlotte and I saw that we needed to be a buffer between our children and these activities or our family could just be consumed by the busyness.  Most of these activities and opportunities were good and constructive.  Drama.  Plays.  Team sports.  School clubs.  Student government.  Band.  Choir. 

What we learned was that saying "yes" to one event, team, etc. often meant that we were then faced with new decisions about how involved our children would be in this sport or organization.  For instance, one of our children played basketball and the other played volleyball.  At one time that meant: "Are you going to be on the team or not?"  There was a clearly defined season.  These days, if my child plays basketball or volleyball, that may mean that we (parents and children) will be facing new decisions.  Will she play on an "off season" team?  Will she play in a summer league?  Will we (as a family) now be traveling on weekends for these games?  Will she now be playing on Sunday mornings?  Will she still be connected to our church family even though she/we are gone much of the time?  Will she go to a specialized camp?   

I use our experience in these two sports as an example.  The issue is much larger than sports.  Rather, it is about a variety of activities and how much we commit to as a family.  It is not my intention to offer any quick and simple solutions here.  Nor am I even remotely suggesting that our children should not be involved in these activities.  Rather, I raise this issue to encourage us to think about the overall impact that our decisions have on our family life.

However, the place to begin grappling with this issue is not with my children.  The place to begin is in reflecting on my own life.

1.  Am I overcommitted?  Every "yes" to one opportunity is a "no" to something else.  Why do I continue to say "yes" when I am already overcommitted?  Do I genuinely wish to do this or do I fear their displeasure and disappointment?  Do I continue to say "yes" out of my own insecurity?     

2.  Am I leading the way in modeling the kind of lifestyle that I believe to be wise for our whole family?  In other words, it is difficult for me to communicate to my children that we are too busy as a family when they see that I have a problem with saying "no" to other people.  What kind of pace am I modeling before them? 

3.  Am I attempting to build a family or just a collection of individuals?  There are many activities that might be good or enjoyable for me individually that may not be that helpful right now in building our family.  For instance, I can work more hours and this may be better for my career.  I’m not sure it would help us build our family.  I may like to fish or play golf every Saturday.  This kind of lifestyle, every weekend, may not be the best thing in building our family as a group.  Do I model these concerns before our children? 

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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6 thoughts on “Does This Family Look Familiar? (Part 2)

  1. I thought our lives were hectic with our children, but what I’ve seen families go through since ours have grown up is beyond explanation! I’ve seen good families all but give up any fellowship in the church because of sports. Family quiet time or even family togetherness is sacrificed for all the numerous activities. And then, as you noted, it all starts spreading out over the year to "off season" events. I’m just glad my kids are grown and on their own and hope when the grandchildren grow up I’ll have the energy to at least stay on their radar screens!

  2. Greg,I have observed much the same.  When families have a lifestyle that is as hectic as what you describe, it seems that what often gets shortchanged is any kind of really family time and togetherness.  And–many unfortunately become completly disconnected from the life of the church.

  3. Jim,
    David and I have been thinking about some of these same things at Robinson.  In fact, we spent two weeks in January talking about "Rest" under the subtopics of "Decluttering" and "Refilling."  Both of us felt that the subject deserved even more time than we gave it! 
    Each week we challenged people to carve two hours out of their regular schedule to spend in rest with their families.  The response was very positive.
    You can find the Bible class curriculum that I put together for Decluttering and Refilling on my blog.  You may have already read it, but I found this post on the Leadership blog thought provoking.  The author categorizes our need for busyness as a kind fo gluttony. 

  4. Cliff–Thanks so much for this.  Very good.  I look foward to reading your Bible class curriculum.   (If you are reading through these comments, I encourage you to look at Cliff’s work.  He has a heart for God and is a good thinker.)