10 Ways Parents Can Make a Difference

PinkLogoOne of the most difficult things I’ve ever done was attempt to be a good parent.  One of the most joyful experiences I’ve ever had was being a daddy.

Many men father children.  Many women bear children.

Some men seem to be only interested in playing with their children.  Yet, some of these same men want no part of the really hard work involved in rearing children.

Some women seem to get their ego needs met from their children.  Yet, being a parent is not about getting ones own needs met.

Parents need to be intentional about making a difference!

1.  Parents who make a difference practice what they claim to believe.  Our kids see right through us.  They see who we really are, not what we are attempting to project.

2.  Parents who make a difference know that their children may often hear more than we intend for them to hear. These kids also hear whatever I might utter under my breath, whether it be a pray or a comment regarding them.

10 Qualities of a Good Dad

Ten(1)The other day, I was on Facebook and saw a picture of “Will” with his daughter.  I felt so proud!  Will is a good husband and dad.  I have great respect for him.

Being a dad may be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Yes, it has been joyful. However, it has been difficult at times.  I had (and have) a lot to learn.

Even as I write these words, I can envision a number of guys in the Central Texas area who are doing such a good job as “daddy.”  The guys I have in mind are in their 30s and 40s.  They continue to grow and learn.  Some had good models growing up and some didn’t.  Regardless, these guys have worked hard toward becoming good dads.

The following are some qualities of a good daddy:

1.  A good daddy is consistent.  Children get confused when a certain behavior causes dad to laugh one moment only to cause him to become angry thirty minutes later.

2.  A good daddy models good character.  Teaching a child is important.  Good character that is modeled is powerful. However, bad character on display can make a lasting impression as well. When we lived in Kansas City many years ago, I heard our neighbor scream at his daughter one day.  (She was about about six years old.)  What he called his daughter was awful!  I have wondered what this child, now 26 or 27 years of age, must remember about her home life.

3.  A good daddy teaches his children by his example.  Some fathers do far too much telling and too little showing.  A mountain of good words does not compensate for a regular bad example. However, when a father models integrity, respect, and kindness before his children, they are blessed.

4.  A good daddy allows his children the opportunity to see his faith.  For example, when you are faced with a decision, it can be a real teachable moment for that son or daughter to hear you explain why you made the decision you did and how that decision flowed out of your faith.

5.  A good daddy understands that “fussing” at a child, naming calling, or threatening is not discipline.  Such behaviors may be more about a father’s own frustration and anger than serious, intentional discipline.

How You Can Take Pressure Off Your Marriage

imsotiredYou are not responsible another’s behavior.

Yet, far too many Christian men and women believe they are responsible for the behavior of their spouse.

  • A young wife and mother regularly makes hurtful, cutting remarks to her in-laws.  Her husband defends her vigorously by talking on and on about what an amazing person she really is.
  • A man continues to have have problems with his employer.  He has had a variety of jobs in the last fifteen years.  Each one of these have ended in a clash with management. Meanwhile, his spouse tells their friends that he is so talented and smart but just can’t find an employer who will appreciate him.
  • A father repeatedly breaks promises to his children while he pursues his own pleasures and interests.  Meanwhile, his wife defends him to these children, telling them what an awesome father he really is.  Yes, these kids are confused.

Marriage can be difficult.  Yet, what heightens the difficulty for some is the belief that you must constantly defend, excuse, or justify your spouse’s behavior.

Here is the good news.  You are responsible for your own behavior.  Your are not, however, responsible for the behavior of your spouse.  Nor, are you responsible for explaining or justifying his or her behavior to others.

When Daddy is Silent

men in silence - silent - Why Are Men Less TalkativeA daddy’s silence can be deadly.

Far too many men are silent at all the wrong times.  A father’s silence can communicate volumes. The absence of his voice can leave a boy or girl feeling emotionally alone.

We were in the middle school gym.  Our oldest daughter, in the seventh grade, was playing basketball.  The game was coming to a close.  One girl on our team was having great difficulty guarding a particular player on the opposing team. Again and again this girl would score.  Finally at one point, the father of our player stood and began yelling. He called out his daughter’s name and in front of the entire gym said, “Your defense stinks!”

The gym became very silent as the humiliated girl stood on the the court looking at her father.

Most fathers I know would never think of doing anything like this.  They would never want to humiliate or shame their child the way this father did.

However, fathers can do damage  by remaining silent.  They don’t inflict pain on their children with their words.  However, they do not take advantage of the opportunities they have to build and encourage their children with their words.  Instead, they remain silent.

When our children were small, I had to learn how to speak in a way that would encourage our girls. I did not come from a demonstrative family and it would have been far easier for me to simply be silent.  Yet, I learned by observing other fathers how to speak life giving words into my daughters. You can learn this too.

When Daddy is Silent

men in silence - silent - Why Are Men Less TalkativeA daddy’s silence can be deadly.

Far too many men are silent at all the wrong times.  A father’s silence can communicate volumes. The absence of his voice can leave a boy or girl feeling emotionally alone.

We were in the middle school gym.  Our oldest daughter, in the seventh grade, was playing basketball.  The game was coming to a close.  One girl on our team was having great difficulty guarding a particular player on the opposing team. Again and again this girl would score.  Finally at one point, the father of our player stood and began yelling. He called out his daughter’s name and in front of the entire gym said, “Your defense stinks!”

The gym became very silent as the humiliated girl stood on the the court looking at her father.

Most fathers I know would never think of doing anything like this.  They would never want to humiliate or shame their child the way this father did.

However, fathers can do damage  by remaining silent.  They don’t inflict pain on their children with their words.  However, they do not take advantage of the opportunities they have to build and encourage their children with their words.  Instead, they remain silent.

When our children were small, I had to learn how to speak in a way that would encourage our girls. I did not come from a demonstrative family and it would have been far easier for me to simply be silent.  Yet, I learned by observing other fathers how to speak life giving words into my daughters. You can learn this too.

5 Ways to Mess Up Your Kids

MessMost parents I know love their children and want to do a good job with them.  Many of these people will do most anything to give their children a head start in life.  Some will go to extraordinary lengths to give their children an advantage.

Yet, it is possible to parent in such a way as to make it difficult for them to grow up, mature, and live as Christ-followers.

The following are some ways to mess up your kids:

1.  Model before them a self-centered life.  Focus on yourself, your pleasures, your desires, and your preferences.  Teach them by way of your example that life is all about “me.”

I was in a conversation with a woman who was abandoning her husband and children in order live her own life.  She wanted to believe that her leaving would have no long term impact on her children.

The reality is that our self-centered behaviors really do impact others.  They certainly impact our children.

10 Traits of a Great Dad

DadFor a number of years, I’ve had a front row seat to witness first hand some great fathers as they’ve interacted with their children.  Most of these dads also modeled what it means to love their wives with an unconditional love.

The guys who I have in mind are in their 30s and 40s.  They are normal men who have a mortgage and go to work each day.  Yet, they have allowed Christ to deeply impact their lives as fathers.

Here are ten traits of a great dad:

1.  The best kind of dad first models faithfulness and loyalty to his wife.  His children witness this. While many men behave in ways that are small and childish, this man is real grownup.  This mans wife married a real man who refuses let his immaturity dominate the relationship.  This kind of man also blesses his children as he relates to them as a real father.

2.  The best kind of dad is more concerned about being what his kids need instead of being focused on his own ego.  Some boy-men are so insecure they must have their fragile ego massaged each evening when they are home.  Such ego needs doesn’t leave much time or energy for being attentive to their children.

Are You Destroying Your Own Marriage?

Learn-How-to-Heal-Your-Broken-Marriage1Many men and women have sabotaged their own marriages.

Of course you may say, like many, “This will never happen to me.”

Perhaps.

Yet, there are ways that destructive seeds can be planted in one’s marriage.

1.  Whisper words of criticism and insults in your spouse’s ear.  Doing this will eventually destroy his or her confidence.  If you whisper these words, then you can save face with your friends.  After all, you know that if they were to hear what you just whispered in your partner’s ear they would think you were rude and childish.  Consequently, you can quietly tear down your spouse while pretending you are supportive before friends and family.

2.  Let your eyes wander toward another person of the opposite sex.  If you are caught gazing at another, be sure to blame your spouse.  “Well, what am I supposed to do?  It’s nice to get some attention!   Maybe if you would be a better husband (or wife), I wouldn’t find this person so attractive.”

3.  Look for every opportunity to speak a rude, barbed word toward your spouse.  You can always claim that you were just joking.  Do you know someone like this?  Perhaps this person uses every occasion to put down his wife.  If she objects, then her husband says, “I was just joking.”  The idea seems to be that if one claims to be joking, responsibility for any hurt can be denied.

Such behavior is beneath a Christ follower   After all, marriage is for grown-ups.  Furthermore, when married people are Christ followers, we follow an even higher standard.

Unfortunately, some people have spouses who refuse to grow up.  The behavior of the immature spouse is not just a nuisance.  This behavior can chip away at the marriage.

Does it make any sense to get married and then participate in the very destruction of your marriage?  I don’t think so.

I think this is worth some thought – and prayer.

 

 

Are These Enemies of Marriage in Your House?

apathyThe following are enemies of marriage.  They have a way of chipping away and even poisoning a marriage.  Run from these enemies.

Bitterness

Bitterness has a way of souring most any situation and most any day.  A bitter person can take seemingly innocent remarks and find something devious and sinister.  Bitterness is a poison that can be fatal to a marriage.

Deception.

Withholding information can become a pattern that ultimately destroys a marriage.  Some people put great energy into withholding information about those they are texting, what they are saying in private messages on Facebook, and whom they are calling on the phone.

Passivity.

Some husbands and wives will not take the initiative in their marriage.  Children cry while he sits in his recliner wondering why she doesn’t deal with them.  Meanwhile, she puts more energy into Facebook and commenting on blogs than she does her marriage.  Passivity breeds neglect.  Consequently, this marriage may suffer from a lack of intention, time, and energy.

Absence of Adoration.

A husband or wife may go to great lengths to do what they want while ignoring their spouse.  For example, a husband makes a lot of effort getting tickets to the big game; however, when his wife says that she would like to see a play or musical, he makes little or no effort to respond to her desire.  These spouses communicate that they do not value one another enough to make the effort to give what the other might enjoy.

Constant Criticism.

There are people who constantly complain, whine, and gripe about their spouse.  They are silent about what their spouse does that is right while they harp on his/her shortcomings.  A critical spirit has a way of emerging no matter what the occasion might be.

Repeating Destructive Patterns.

A husband declares that he doesn’t want to be like his own dad, either in his marriage or as a dad to his own children.  Perhaps a young mother says that she doesn’t want to be like her faultfinding, complaining mother.  Yet, if a person is not intentional about becoming a different kind of spouse or parent, they will often resort to their default in their family of origin.  This person repeats the same immature and obnoxious behaviors disliked in his/her father or mother.

These are six deadly enemies of marriage.  Anyone who is married and follows Jesus has been called to something higher.  Genuine self-giving love will cause us to avoid these enemies and not go near them.

Question:

Is there a particular enemy that you have had to be especially attentive to?

 

Ministry Inside.132

marriageministry-1024x359The following are ten possible marriage pitfalls.  Ignore these and put your marriage at risk.

1.  Beware of ignoring your wife’s spiritual development while you focus on feeding yourself and the congregation.  A ministry couple can easily drift apart spiritually.

2.  Beware of assuming that because you read and talk theology that your work with Jesus is more authentic than that of your spouse.

3.  Beware of dabbling in discipleship while you major in public events.  The first step in ministry is following Jesus.

4.  Beware of demanding that your spouse make you look good even when you behave immaturely or like a jerk at home.

5.  Beware of discouraging your spouse from seeing a counselor or therapist because you are concerned that you might look bad.

6.  Beware of thinking that your role or hard work gives you permission to slack off when you are home.

7.  Beware of expecting your spouse will deal with the kids, bills, the maintenance of the house, and your social life so that you can focus on more “important” matters.

8.  Beware of supposedly innocent flirting with a certain person in your church arrogantly thinking that you are way too smart or moral to do something stupid.

9.  Beware of using your mind as a playground where you can run wild with fantasies and various temptations.  Our thinking really does shape who we are.

10. Beware of speaking to your spouse in ways that are demeaning, childish, and disrespectful.  This does nothing for your marriage but reveals your immaturity.

Question:

What would you add to this list?